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Thursday, March 10, 2011

Stay-At-Home Mom Struggles To Re-enter Job Market

Here & Now Guest:

Katy Read

By Katy Read

Writer Katy Read.

Writer Katy Read.

We had wonderful times together, my sons and I. The parks. The beaches. The swing set mom

ents when I would realize, watching the boys swoop back and forth, that someday these afternoons would seem to have rushed past in nanoseconds, and I would pause, mid-push, to savor the experience while it lasted.

Now I lie awake at 3 a.m., terrified that, as a result, I am permanently financially screwed.

As of my divorce last year, I’m the single mother of two almost-men, whose taste for playgrounds has been replaced by one for high-end consumer products and who will be, in a few more nanoseconds, ready for college. My income — freelance writing, child support, a couple of menial part-time jobs — doesn’t cover my current expenses, let alone my retirement or the kids’ tuition. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of two teenagers must be in want of a steady paycheck and employer-sponsored health insurance.

My attempt to find work could hardly be more ill-timed, with unemployment near 10 percent, with the newspaper industry that once employed me seemingly going the way of blacksmithing. And though I have tried to scrub age-revealing details from my resume, let’s just say my work history is long enough to be a liability, making me simultaneously overqualified and underqualified.

But my biggest handicap may be my history of spending daylight hours in the company of my own kids.

Just having them is bad enough. Research shows that mothers earn 4 to 15 percent less than non-mothers with comparable jobs and qualifications, that as job candidates, mothers are perceived as less competent and committed than non-mothers (fathers, in contrast, rate higher than men without kids). Heather Boushey, senior economist at the Center for American Progress, told me last year that the outlook for an at-home mother returning to work in this economy “kind of makes my stomach drop a little bit.” I know the feeling.

“We had wonderful times together, my sons and I. The parks. The beaches… Now I lie awake at 3 a.m., terrified that, as a result, I am permanently financially screwed.”
– Katy Read

When Paul Krugman warns that many of the currently jobless “will never work again,” I am petrified — hello, 3 a.m.! — that he means me. I long ago lost track of how many jobs I have applied for, including some I wouldn’t have looked twice at in my 20s, but I can count the resulting interviews and have fingers left to twiddle idly. Before I left full-time work in 1996, my then-husband and I, both reporters at the same newspaper, earned the exact same salary. Now my ex, still a reporter, is making $30,000 a year more than that, while I have been passed over for jobs paying $20,000 less.

As I wander the ghost-town job boards, e-mailing my resume into oblivion, I tamp down panic with soothing thoughts: I have a comfortable house, for now, some money in the bank, for now, a 9-year-old Mazda that rattles alarmingly but runs, for now. Millions of people are hanging by far thinner threads, and I am genuinely grateful for what good fortune I have.

So this is not a plea for sympathy. More like a warning from the front lines.

The recession has already shifted habits and attitudes and will likely usher in long-term cultural changes about which economists, sociologists and political strategists are churning out predictions as we speak. Here’s mine: The economic crisis will erode women’s interest in “opting out” to care for children, heightening awareness that giving up financial independence — quitting work altogether or even, as I did, going part-time — leaves one frighteningly vulnerable. However emotionally rewarding it may be for all involved, staying home with children exacts a serious, enduring vocational toll that largely explains the lingering pay gap between men and women as well as women’s higher rate of poverty. With the recession having raised the stakes, fewer mothers may be willing to take the risk. If it’s not yet the twilight of the stay-at-home mother, it could be her late afternoon. Certainly it is long past nap time.

Statistics suggest mothers are reaching that conclusion. Between 2008 and 2010, the number of stay-at-home mothers fell from 5.3 million to 5 million. (Stay-at-home dads held steady at around 150,000.) Who knows how many others are frantically sending out resumes? Whether they have paying jobs or not, mothers still handle most of the country’s child care, but that “feels like the last gasp of a dying age,” journalist Hanna Rosin wrote last year in Atlantic Monthly. She quotes Boushey noting that “the idealized family — he works, she stays home — hardly exists anymore.” The image of a mother pushing a stroller down the street at midday may come to seem as quaint as that of a 1950s housewife pushing a vacuum in stockings and pumps.

Stay-at-home mothers obsolete? Those among the 5 million who are alive and well and reading this may already be clicking indignantly to the comments section to defend their choices. Go ahead and vent, stay-at-home mothers. I get it. Fourteen years ago, I struggled with my own decision amid a tangle of internal and external messages. Some still seem valid and others now less so, but the difference was hard to tell amid the hormone-saturated, sleep-deprived, advice-swamped bewilderment of new parenthood.

I became a mother during a moment in history when women faced unprecedented career opportunities yet were expected to maintain a level of interaction with their children that would have made my own mother’s eyes roll practically out of their sockets. I was a busy reporter and naive new mom, two jobs that I was led to believe could not, for all practical purposes, be performed adequately and simultaneously. Oh, and while one was commendable, the other was morally imperative.

Like I needed the extra pressure. I already felt responsible for giving my sons childhoods — those fleeting years that would forever loom large in their lives — full of adventure and learning and treasured memories. If I could have enriched their experience by moving to a farm or hitting the road in an Airstream, I would have considered it. But according to the parenting manuals I dutifully consulted, what my boys required was constant engagement with a loving, omnipresent figure, sort of like if God engaged in daily floor time. The parenting experts never said exactly how children like mine, overseen by an ever-shifting cast of underpaid near-strangers in a commercial daycare center, would be damaged. But I got the impression I might as well have gone through pregnancy throwing back shots of tequila.

Meanwhile, my work/life balance … wasn’t. My husband and I kept erratic hours, handing off babies like batons. At work, I lost choice assignments as I dashed out before the stroke of 6, when the daycare began charging a dollar a minute. My editors, probably well-meaning, set me on what suspiciously resembled a mommy track. While an intern handled the tragic late-breaking news of an honor student murdered by her mother’s crack dealer, I yawned through meetings where citizens complained about potholes. (Though who knew how fabulous a steady-paying pothole gig would look to my underemployed future self?)

“My biggest handicap may be my history of spending daylight hours in the company of my own kids.”
– Katy Read

And the emotional turbulence! I drove to work with spit-up-stained shirt and tear-streaked face, cried at baby-food commercials featuring mothers and infants bonding in what looked like a weekday-afternoon glow. I felt the time flying past. My firstborn wasn’t yet crawling when I began gazing nostalgically at newborns in the park, with their impossibly delicate fingers and mewing cries. Over at the playground, hulking 4-year-olds hoisted themselves around with huge, capable hands, conversing in vast vocabularies. Soon my son would be one of these giants, his infancy vanished into the chaotic past.

My second son was born. Two weeks later, my father was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Sitting near my dad’s bedside, I showed off the baby to my Aunt Millicent, mentioning my plans to return to my job. She shook her head sadly.

“You won’t believe how fast those years go by,” my aunt said. “Try not to miss them, if you can help it.”

My father died two months later. That fall, my husband found a new job in a different city. And I — feminist, ambitious journalist, daughter of a woman with a successful advertising career — quit a full-time job at a big-city paper and began part-time freelancing work that brought in less, some years, than I’d made as a waitress in college.

I wasn’t worried, frankly, about the long-term economic consequences, partly because nobody else seemed to be. Most articles and books about what came to be called “opting out” focused on the budgeting challenges of dropping to one paycheck — belt-tightening measures shared by both parents — while barely touching on the longer-term sacrifices borne primarily by the parent who quits: the lost promotions, raises and retirement benefits; the atrophied skills and frayed professional networks. The difficulty of reentering the workforce after years away was underreported, the ramifications of divorce, widowhood or a partner’s layoff hardly considered. It was as though at-home mothers could count on being financially supported happily ever after, as though a permanent and fully employed spouse were the new Prince Charming.

I myself witlessly contributed to the misinformation when I wrote an article about opting out for a now-defunct personal-finance magazine. Amid chirpy budgeting tips and tales of middle-class couples cheerfully scraping by, I quoted a financial adviser bluntly outlining the long-term risks. My editor wasn’t pleased. “It’s so … negative,” she said, and over the phone I could almost hear her nose wrinkling. So I, neophyte freelancer eager to accommodate well-paying client, turned in a rewrite with a more positive spin.

Since then, a few writers have reported the financial downsides, notably Ann Crittenden, who calculated in “The Price of Motherhood” (2001) that having a child costs the average college-educated woman more than a million dollars in lifetime income. More recently , Linda Hirshman (“Get to Work,” 2006) and Leslie Bennetts (“The Feminine Mistake,” 2007) wrote manifestos scolding women who opt out. In 2010, Karine Moe and Dianna Shandy outlined the risks of downsizing a career on behalf of family in “Glass Ceilings & 100-Hour Couples.”

But I might not have realized such warnings even applied to me: After all, I was working. Downsizing my career seemed ideal — research shows 60 percent of mothers would choose part-time work if they could. While my kids spent three afternoons a week in daycare, I did what the experts advised: developed my skills, undertook new challenges, expanded my professional contacts. I advanced creatively if not financially, published essays in respected literary journals that often paid (cue ominous music) in copies of the magazine.

But who had time for long-term financial planning amid the daily demands of two small boys? I took them sliding, skating, swimming and skateboarding, supervised art projects, helped with homework, conferred with teachers, drove to music lessons and dentist appointments and baseball practices. I handled all of their sick days, some involving lingering health problems that, if I’d had an office job, would have exasperated the most flexible employer. Not every moment, of course, was sunny and delightful; there was plenty of crying, screaming and slamming doors (sometimes by the kids, too, ha ha). It was harder than any paying job I’ve ever held.

Salary experts estimate the market value of a stay-at-home parent’s labor (child care, housecleaning, cooking, laundry, driving, etc.) at about $118,000. This hollowly cheerful calculation has always struck me as patronizing, with the effect, if not the intention, of further diminishing our status. Moms — aren’t they the greatest? They should be pocketing as much as a registered pharmacist or the mayor of Chula Vista, Calif., yet they’ll happily accept payment in the form of adorable gap-toothed smiles. An implied, faintly sinister coercion — a good mom doesn’t want money — fuels a system that relies on our unpaid childcare, household chores and volunteer work but offers no safety net.

The demand for care-giving is not going away (did I mention that I also looked after my mother in her earlier stages of Alzheimer’s, a disease that’s expected to quadruple over the next 40 years?). Yet in our harsh political climate, the prospect of policy changes that would help family caregivers–paid parental leave, social security credits and so on–seems absurdly fanciful. I lost health-care coverage with my divorce, yet wasn’t eligible for a temporary federal subsidy on COBRA premiums offered to laid-off workers, despite facing the same tough job market, same astronomical premiums. And while many employers and even the White House support increased flexibility for working parents, lending a hand to care-giving mothers isn’t even on the table.

But employers, would it kill you to stop actively discriminating against us?

Few of the arguments for staying home seem as persuasive now as they did 14 years ago. I long ago stopped trusting most advice from so-called parenting experts. The kids I know who attended full-time daycare seem fine, and I doubt my sons would have been damaged if I had kept my job. In at least one crucial way, they’d be far better off: I’d have more money to contribute to their college educations.

Still, like most mothers, I have mixed feelings about my choices, and like most mothers writing complaining first-person essays, I feel compelled to note the upside. I am deeply thankful to have witnessed as much of my sons’ childhoods as I did. I’m a procrastinator, and I can imagine myself thinking of those long playground afternoons as something I would get around to eventually, not noticing the swing set’s shadow stretching ever longer across the sand.

On paper, the time I was home with my children looks like some luxurious extended vacation I couldn’t really afford. Oddly, that’s how I prefer to think of it, not as a boneheaded move that may eventually leave me impoverished but as an expensive but profound experience, full of vivid memories–for my kids, I hope, as well as for me.

If some young woman with a new baby were to ask me about opting out I would tell her, as my Aunt Millicent told me 14 years ago, how quickly a child’s early years zip past, how challenging but wonderful they are, how grateful I am for every single moment I was privileged to witness.

And then, unlike my aunt, I would warn her not to do it.

Katy Read of Minneapolis has written for Salon, More, Real Simple, Working Mother and Brain, Child. She blogs at What I Should Be Doing Instead. A version of this essay originally appeared on Salon.com.

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  • Mutant

    There’s no future why not?

    • Raven

      I really wish there was some kind of law that protected parents who stayed home to raise their kids to not have discrimination. I know all the HR rules ricks, I recently graduated from college father raising my kids for 20 years, and I still have one more to go. With people with recent work history, they refuse to look at someone who hasn’t held a job in 10-15 years. I’ve tried everything even getting a burger joint job, nothing has come my way. I’ve even been told things to my face, “must be nice to do that without struggle.” I was shocked, that job wouldn’t call me back anyway, so I said. It was never without struggle for the first 15 years we raised three kids on less than 30k a year, and no government assistance. We always ate, but there was always struggle! We had no choice for me to always be home, we continuously had walls placed I our way. We never had family members to share babysitting g with, always was just me, my husband and our kids. While I would never regret my time raising them, and with one in the Marines, and one about to move out I. Her, and still one more to go…. I’m still struggling with any form of job, even though I’m a recent graduate of administrative office skills. Being 40 or over 40, makes this even more frustrating.

  • PJ

    Katy…..I too made the decision to be there for my children and now find myself later in life, panicking about my financial situation. I too have been addressing it with others. I am working towards a PhD in Social Policy to find a solution for women who put their children first, because their spouses have abandoned the children. I have suggested to my daughters who have small children, that they never give up their careers. But, I am concerned that women now have to work full time and be the nurturing parent and the cook and the housekeeper. What toll is this going to take on all our daughters and their children?

    • Lpoweljr

      This statement sounds very feminist and close-minded. This article has absolutely nothing to do with abandoning children.

      • Heather

        Feminist and close-minded are opposites, actually.
        And I think she means spouses who abandoned the children by divorcing their wife and not paying child support or helping with childcare?

    • Concerned New Mommy

      PJ Thank you for bringing up such a good point!! What toll are all these demands going to have on us, our children and our society at large.  I am a new mom to a beautiful little girl and I have decided to stay at home and raised her, but late at night I find myself wondering what the future might bring.  How can I better prepare myself in the event that my husband and I get a divorce.  How can I make sure that being with my child all day (because who in the world can take better care of her) wont lead to poverty for us years down the road.  I also want to thank you for looking for a solution!! I’m inspired to do some research to see if there is anything I can do to contribute. Wouldn’t it be great if there was a government program that would invest in retirement funds for stay at home moms?? It would be in the best interest of our country to encourage moms to stay at home. Our children are our biggest treasure and who is going to give them undivided attention, love and care better than their own parents.

  • Steeled4life

    Why doesn’t this woman take responsibility for her own decisions instead of blaming them on her almost “zombie-like” following of so-called baby raising gurus?

    • http://whatishouldbedoinginstead.blogspot.com/ Katy Read

      Steeled4life, the answer to your question is this: I didn’t have any experience caring for babies, had no older relatives living close by. I had to rely on what “experts” I had available, which were the seemingly pediatricians and other parenting gurus who wrote books, were quoted in magazines and newspapers, were interviewed on TV. My friends read them, their names were well-known and, from all I knew at the time, they were reliable authorities.

    • Smnortley57


  • Sweep

    Wouldn’t it be really weird if the government did offer financial incentives to stay-at-home parents? Why should taxpayers’ money go to someone for being a good parent? There are more important things in life than money and being a parent is one of those important things.

    • Laurie S.

      I don’t necessarily think the government should offer financial incentives (but I wouldn’t rule out agreeing). But consider that if some parents who wanted to stay home with their kids were able to do so through economic incentives, that would make more jobs available for other people. Just a thought.

    • Laurie S.

      I don’t necessarily think the government should offer financial incentives (but I wouldn’t rule out agreeing). But consider that if some parents who wanted to stay home with their kids were able to do so through economic incentives, that would make more jobs available for other people. Just a thought.

    • KL

      I’ve been fortunate enough to have the opportunity to spend the last sixteen years as the primary care giver for my two sons. When my youngest reached kindergarten age, I went back to work part time and for the next several years was able to work around their school schedule. Unfortunately, I was unwilling to make the commitment to my company that they wanted…more hours, more sales and have now been unemployed for several years. In addition to the adjustment of going from being employed full time for 22 years before having children and leaving the “workforce”, there is another huge downside to a sidetracked career path. I was shocked to receive notice from Social Security several years ago that I had “lost” all of my “points” I had accumulated in my full time years of employment. Social Security projected benefits are based on your last ten years of earnings. Those earnings are calculated as points. Apparently, since I had chosen to work part time over the last several years, I am now in the same position as someone who is just starting their career. It is appalling. However, I would not make a different choice if I had it to do over. Just be aware that the financial stakes are high in more areas than you realize. You must follow your heart and the reality of your financial situation.

    • salemsunshine

      You seem to be saying that a “good parent” would not use daycare. Is that, in fact, your view? I don’t see how that makes any sense. Millions of children in the USA and elsewhere to go good quality daycare and are thriving and healthy people. There’s absolutely no data to show that good quality daycare is harmful to children, or to their relationship with their parents.

      If I have misread your statement, I apologize.

      • Laurieroy 36

         There is data to show any daycare can be harmful to children It has to do with their ability to bond and future relationships.Have you studied the works ,writings,of John Bowlby?Check it out.I am surprised you said there is absolutely no data….Seriously ,have you checked into any research before making such a statement?

    • Laurieroy 36

        The government before it was so corrupt did support the family and stay at home mom.In the 1950′s the average american had a home,car,and the mom stayed at home with the children.There weren’t the terrible social problems and school shootings and all when the Mom was in the home being WITH her children as should be.(I know there are exceptions)But being the way things are today I would support that idea so children could have a Mom with them.Hitler supported state run daycare and encouraged mothers to give their kids back to the state.Daycare,forcing children to start preschool way too young and taking them away from their home and mothers…Beware.

  • Good mom

    I am in the same situation. I had a great career, got married, stayed at home with the kids, helped my ex grow his career, then one day… poof…. he to walks out with his career in tack, my career of being a full time parent still in tack, put the pay is gone. They do need to change how the social security view at home moms. I too have put out many resumes with no response. 3 am is a frequent time I see. I just don’t see how things are getting better for women. I love my kids, but being an at home mom was not sitting around and having coffee with the ladies. It was work!

    • Estela

       Exactly. I absolutely agree with you. I actually tried to stay at home. And I did for 2 days with my oldest son and the only I could hear is that I was a fat (cannot say the word) that didn’t any work. Actually I cleaned the house everyday, I cooked, I took care of a new-born baby and my partner didn’t saw that as work. How can this be fair? So after this horrible experience I decided to work because my mental state was going down and I was actually being a worse  mom. Today things got a little bit better. When I am at work I can feel that I am active and control my future and when I get home I give 200% to my children.

      • Estela

        I actually stayed at home 2 years:) This is a proof how hard things have becomed making mistakes like these. It was actually 2 years of beautiful enjoyment with my son and a living hell with my partner.

      • Gmbs922

         I agree it’s so hard when the child you raised turns on you. I have a son that disowned me 2 years ago, because I left his father. I haven’t had contact with him or his daughter since then. Everyone tells me “he’ll come around someday,” but he also has no use for me because I never worked a paying job out of the home. I am happy in a new marriage now, but my son’s views about me haunt me daily. I have this gnawing feeling every day that I should be out earning a paycheck, even tho my husband is great and never makes me feel this way. I feel I am up against insurmountable odds to even try to see if someone would employ me. I have no resume. I’ve spent my life raising my family.
         We have a dreaded cookout with my husband’s coworkers and their spouses whom I’ve never met next week. I say dreaded because to me, what I dread the most is someone asking me, “So, what do you do?”
         I am happy for you that you’ve found a job. That’s got to be a giving you a great feeling of self worth.  I have a growing preoccupation with my answer to the dreaded question at the cookout, that may or may not even be asked. I also contemplate how I can get out of going altogether, and avoid the embarrassment of having to say, “I don’t do anything.” So to speak. What a way to live … avoiding people that I feel will look at me like I have two heads because I chose to be a stay at home mom.

        • Petrina K.

          You really need to start loving yourself.  Seriously, people aren’t going to value you if you don’t value yourself.  Many people wish that they could be stay-at-home-mothers or wives that are primarily homemakers, but they cannot afford that luxury.  Count your blessings.  When someone asks what you do, tell them that you enjoy taking care of your home and your wonderful husband!  Take college courses, pick up hobbies, explore your heart’s desire.  As long as you and your husband are happy, who cares what anyone else thinks!  Oh, and out of curiosity, what does your husband say that you do? Does he value your contributions?  I hope so.

          • Gmbs922

            Thanks, Petrina. Your message came through when I really needed it.  It’s been 6 months since I wrote the above. The question at the cookout was never asked. In fact there was another wife there that stays home too.  My husband totally values me, above and beyond what I even feel that I deserve. I love taking care of him and the house, and our two girls (cats).  I agree I need a hobby other than Facebooking. I am crafty/creative and would love to make some money doing it.  I also agree that if you don’t love yourself it makes it hard for anyone else to. You have really helped me to feel better, especially with what you said about  if we’re happy then who cares what anyone else thinks! My husband just tells people that I take care of him. I know he loves that I do. I don’t think he gives it a second thought what anyone else might think about that.  I just still have that gnawing feeling that I would be more valuable if I was doing something more constructive with my days.  I spent my life raising 3 children and now that’s over. Done. I know alot of people on this thread feel like I do and think, “now what do I do?” That’s the BIG question.

          • Script-Adult

            “How to stop worrying and start living” by Dale Carnegie. Listen to it on YouTube. Every stay at home mom should listen to it, more if you live to worry, are depressed, frustrated, etc. “Most” of the things we worry about never happen. Guys, go now and listen to it. It will really help.

    • Anonymom

      Amen to that! And it was work we loved, wasn’t it.  How is a woman to decide which is more valuable in her life – her history of quality time mothering her kids OR her future security? The two should NOT be mutually exclusive.

      • anonymous

        But they are. I wish someone had warned me.

  • comment

    Sounds like your opportunity to vent. We share so much in common, two sons, stay at home professionally trained/educated mom, now divorced. I am 58 (almost 59) and reentered my profession 4 years ago after a 22 year gap. Yes, you are at a very scary time, experiencing those money sucking teenage years. We are different, at this moment, only in our perspective. Twenty seven years ago I knew I was making the choice, as a stay at home mom, to invest in my sons (now both in their twenties) rather than in the stock market. I cannot say enough on how wonderfully that investment in two young men has paid off. Yes, I now sleep at night and I expect to have a slightly better than average income until I retire when I am 70, yet I worry that I will have to constantly battle age discrimination. I look to strong professional women, who are older, like the Hillary Clinton type, who are able to reach deep and stand tall. P.S. I emailed your article to my sons. Thanks!

  • Mommy

    I was appalled that she compared being a stay at home mom to going on a luxurious vacation. WHAT?! Believe me, being a stay at home mom is anything but a vacation! I have been a registered nurse for 10 years, and being a stay at home mom is the hardest job I’ve ever had. But it’s also the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I applaud stay at home moms who sacrifice their careers to rear their children. I know that not all women are fortunate enough to be able to stay at home. But every day I thank God that I am afforded that opportunity.

    • http://whatishouldbedoinginstead.blogspot.com/ Katy Read

      Mommy, having raised two very high-energy, strong-willed, close-in-age boys as a mostly at-home mother, I understand what you mean about how hard the job is. My analogy wasn’t intended to suggest that it was as easy as lounging on the beach at a luxury resort. I meant that it was full of rich experiences, like a trip around the world. So I lost money, wound up broke, but at least gained some treasured memories.

  • Alaskalabs

    Amen sister! I just left the state job center I have two kids high school and jr high I was the stay at home mother and reflect many of your issues and perspectives. No insurance no retirement lost 11 years of work income and not to mention enabled my children too much they now are learning the school of reality when I dis too much for them when they were younger. If life is survival of the fittest I am not sure they would make it. I gave to return back to work for insurance income and retirement but most importantly for my kids to become I independent and self sufficient. Thank you for opening this discussion. I dearly love my kids but have to wonder did I REALLY do the right thing. Over 40 marketing professional looking for career and independent kiddos.
    How I got sold that financial sacrifice

  • mj

    I too traded money for family and have been a stay at home mom for the past ten years while my husband had all the benefits of a single man (in terms of advancing in his career) with no worries whatsoever about childcare to hold him back. Now that the children are in need of more than just a Happy Meal toy, I am trying to re-enter the workforce. With a ten year employment lapse plus the sacrifice of an incomplete college education for the raising of our children, my emotions of fear and finality have me choking with everything thought of my future and that of providing for my children in the current job market. Even the mommy tip of breathing and counting to ten or twenty isn’t helping!

  • Melovechocolate

    It’s a tough decision and definitely not for everyone. The comment the author made “I look at it like an exorbitant vacation” was foolish. I don’t know how she ran things in her home(I have stayed home for 12 years and plan to continue ESPECIALLY throughout my kids’ teen years), but in ours it is *NO* vacation! We don’t have a housekeeper, so GUESS WHO gets to keep house? It is *NO* “vacation” and whoever is considering the move should keep that in mind. CLEARLY you will pass up opportunities if you stay home(DUH) and you WILL be sacrificing a lot, and will have to start all over when you re-enter the job market. It’s always been easier for men–a latest study yet again proves they make more money than women who are equally competent.OF COURSE you can’t foresee a divorce (is that what YOU are thinking when you are at the altar? NO!),and if you stay home you can’t expect so easily to quickly enter a start pay of $80k after you’ve been out of the business world. She (the author) reminded me of someone who would take up smoking and in 10 years say “I never foresaw it would cause so much harm”. Oh, COME ON. In a way staying home is a form of altruism, because you shouldn’t expect monetary rewards–THAT is what mothering/parenting is about. Who stays home expecting to make more money? You do it for the future and the love for your kids. That is the one gift that is *priceless*. Are YOU up for it? THAT is the question. Don’t plan on jumping back to work/business life standing up tall with a 100k job–that is FOOLISH. You pick up pieces and start over–we go through that a few times in life. I’m not being a cold-hearted person, I sincerely feel for those who are going through a divorce and picking up pieces to start over..but don’t blame yourself for choices in life. You learn, and move on. You did your kids and EVERYONE a favor in being there for them. You’ll see.

    • http://whatishouldbedoinginstead.blogspot.com/ Katy Read

      Melovechocolate, please see my comments to “Mommy” re the vacation issue. Apparently I should have phrased that more clearly.

      As for having to start all over again when reentering the job market, not many middle-aged parents with teenagers and mortgages are in a position to live like they did when they were just out of school. Nor do I feel they should have to. I’m not expecting a $100K job because that’s not what I was making 15 years ago, but why would I be considered $20K less qualified now than I was back then?

      The fact that parents’ part-time work, or their pauses to care for kids, are held against them is a tradition left over from an era when fathers were the breadwinners and mothers were the housewives. Both parents should have opportunities to balance work and family in a way that makes sense for the 21st century.

      • Melovechocolate

        I am also raising two very high-energy, strong-willed, close-in-age boys as a stay at-home mother, which as you know is wholly absorbing. For this very reason I feel that for me it’s best to stay at home with them to try and guide them, and sacrifice a few things..My boys aren’t yet young adults and also have a taste for high-end consumer products as yours do, but they understand that sometimes they just can’t have them. We aren’t the Joneses, so soak it up (pretty much our motto). To say that your aunt Millicent and some experts said it was a nice thing to do and it would be “nice” so you did it, well–I’m going to say that’s just very naíve. I knew exactly what I was getting into, and have seen several divorces within my family–but that’s what I wanted to do. I’m worried for our future, and I feel that maybe my small part may make a difference. I agree that it’s unfair to be worth 20K less, but unfortunately–TRULY, unfortunate- it’s still a man’s world. As middle-aged women we have it tougher. I agree with you that both parents SHOULD have opportunities to balance work and family! The U.S. is not progressive in that sense. You should dedicate your efforts in voicing that concern, undoubtedly there are many of us who agree– instead of voicing regret and dissuading others who may be up to staying home.

        • http://whatishouldbedoinginstead.blogspot.com/ Katy Read

          Melovechocolate, I am dedicating my efforts to voicing my concern right here on this website and on the radio. I want to raise awareness of the issue and get people talking about it. If it’s still a man’s world, I don’t think we have to just shrug and accept that as an unalterable reality — look how much progress we’ve made already. I think we can do something about it, and the best way is to start discussing it openly. You say you’re worried about the future, you say parents should have the opportunity to balance work and family and the U.S. is not progressive in that sense … well, let’s get to work on that.

  • Millicent (not your Aunt)

    In the interview Katy Read said that she got a lot of criticism from people about not doing a better job planning for her personal financial future. That is completely understandable if you look at the situation a woman is in when she makes those choices. I have been married for 14 years. My husband and I love each other and our family. He works and right now I don’t. I am financially totally dependent on him. Should I do something about this? Probably, but it is a difficult discussion to have with one’s spouse. My husband sees everything we have as “ours.” He does not look at our life as a series of what he has done and owns compared to what I have done and own, and I appreciate this about him. But it also makes it difficult to explain to him my concerns without raising the possibility that one day we might not be together. I’m sure when Katy made her choices she planned on growing old with her husband, now what?

    As for the others who are upset Katy described parenting as an exorbitant vacation, she does not mean by any means to belittle parenting or make it sound easy, she is just saying the extensive time off work and loss of income was exorbitant.

    • Laurieweb

      This is a great, reasoned response. Usually, neither partner in a marriage is geared toward wondering what will happen if the marriage fails. It’s hard to look beyond love.

    • Estela

       Hi! You have a great husband. I think your comment is very good. Being a mom is very hard and it should be very respected in society and not being looked at as a freebbie! Unfortunately some of us do not have a choice :(

      • anonymous

        It isn’t a freebie, ever, because someone will be doing the work of taking care of children–whether they are paid or not. And it is work. Talk to the people at the daycare center about whether their job is work and if they should be compensated or receive unemployment if let go. Different story then. It’s just in that situation someone else is doing (only) some of those same mother-tasks.

  • Jdrobin

    I completely relate to Katy’s situation. I would advise any new mother: DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT give up your job… entirely. I was an attorney and a city planner. After my second daughter was born, my husband and I moved to a new town and I quit my job and my career. I never got it back (not due to lack of trying). I even got a third post graduate degree and tried to teach high school, but I was laid off after two years – never having achieved permanent full time status. I’ve looked everywhere for employment and can’t find it. I think the perfect solution for moms is the flexible part time job – not easy to find, but possible if you are already working in a job where the managers know you and like your work. You can ramp up again when you need to have full time employment. Being out of the work force for so long, and being older, is a job killing combination. Age discrimination and mommy discrimination does exist. I cherish the time I had with my daughters at home. It was a full time and exhausting job (not really a vacation…). But I don’t think my having a part time job would have had an adverse effect on my kids – especially as they got into elementary school. I think having this dialogue is important. I also think employers need to think about the economic advantages of hiring or retaining moms who are already trained, already experienced and maybe willing to work at home part of the time or on a flex schedule. The bottom line is that mothers should not believe people who say, “You can always go back to work when they are grown.” It is just not true.

    • MelissaA

      I think you have a good point that a flexible part time job, if it can be found in one’s field or not can be a short term answer to balance the work/family issue and keep one’s resume filled. I am married 11 years, worked 3 years full time before having my daughter. I was laid off on maternity leave. After that I went to law school but was unable to pass the bar with two kids at home. I have to wait until my son is in Kindergarten to try again. I have been working from home for the same law firm for 3 years. I have considered going back to school to become a schoolteacher. The upside of part time work is flexibility with the kids, the downside is the low-pay and inability to save for the future despite my husband working full time. We have bills, student loan debt and credit cards. The afternoon playground scenario resonated with me in the author’s article. I treasure the times I can spend with my 4 year old and 9 year old daughter now, but worry maybe I am sacrificing their future (saving for college) and mine (saving for retirement). We just had a flood at our home and our pressured financial situation came to the surface because we did not have money set aside for a rainy day. This is much harder to do in some households with single, or stay at home moms or part-time working parents. Thanks for having this discussion. It is an important one to have for our society, for all women and for our children.

    • Katkro

      Thank you so much for this article and your comment.  I too was an attorney and opted out.  I also taught part time in a high school while raising my two young children.  Only to be laid off after three years.  Never acheiving my desired full time status.  I gave up a great career that had a lot of potential for traveling (which I love).  This has been the hardest time of my life.  I now need to work full time and can’t.  I actually contemplate what advice I will give tell my 5 yr. old daughter when she gets older.  I’ll probably say “Don’t quit your day job” or marry a wealthy man.  It sounds bad, but this country does not support mothers.

    • hanging by my fingertips!

      I see it has been a year since you posted your situation and you may not follow anymore but let me tell any one that reads this.  YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!!!
      I married at 40 and had my first child at 42 and second at 43.  All I heard was, this is so great that you can stay home with your children. ( I had always worked in sales and made good money).  Then you think how your husband income etc. will count for you, legally.  Wrong!!!  I had two children and after repeated affairs etc.,
      we divorced.  Shortly there after I had to have back surgery, which was botched and had to have 3 corrective surgeries.  Obviously could not work and struggled to care for my boys so that I wouldn’t lose them.  I used all my savings 401, everything to keep my house.  Their father is doing great with all the money he hid since he was self employed.  Now he feels that since he pays more than the court ordered with elaborate vacations, sports, motorcycles, pool, large home that he is the ultimate father.  Child support is minimal, I can’t work because of the bad surgery and money to support the necessary day to day, food etc comes out of that.  I am drowning.  I have been released to work part time which will be very  painful and I feel like the loser!  He has since married the girlfriend that goes on all
      the vacations etc.  now a new girlfriend.  All this makes it very hard to even want to accept the  jobs that I can qualify and physically do.  Life is hard and being good is sometimes not rewarding.  I am however going through rehabilitation services to find work.  I hope this will be rewarding.  I need it.  Actually after 10 years , I need a vacation!!!! ha!!  Life is tough, and I know I am a strong person or I would not have even gotten this far.  It just seems like at 56, things should be solid, not starting over and fighting for what I built to be included.  My boys ar good, but let’s face it, teens go for the fun.

  • http://whatishouldbedoinginstead.blogspot.com/ Katy Read

    Hi everybody, thank you so much for listening to the broadcast and taking the time to comment here. I would welcome you all to stop by my blog, “What I Should Be Doing Instead,” (click on my name and you’ll get there) and join in the conversation. There, I talk about some of these same problems, as well as other issues involving expectations of mothers, life choices women make and the cultural influences that shape them. Everybody is welcome, critics and supporters alike.

    But I want to reach out especially to other mothers who are in similar situations. Please keep in touch; I hope by raising awareness of this situation we can work toward solutions for ourselves and mothers of the future. Our culture has gone through some immense changes in just a generation or two, and I guess as a society we still need to work out some of the bugs.

  • Rachel

    Apply for the Peace Corps and once you get accepted sell every personal belonging you have. Spending two years with people who live in wood shacks with no running water nor electricity and manage to have a positive attitude in life puts everything in perspective.

    If you want to make social, political change, start lobbying and organizing and motivating other woman to collaborate and make positive change on behalf of women.

    • Artifact7

      where do i start?

    • Suzy

      Rachel, I’m not sure if your comment was meant to be snarky, or whether you walk the walk, but I have.  It doesn’t make a hill of beans worth of difference when it comes time to put food on my North American table. 
      After homeschooling my children for fifteen years and finding myself unable to get a paying job, I dove into volunteer development work with a vengeance.  I have lived in the conditions you described.  I started a coop for women artisans and managed another nonprofit business marketing products from similar endeavors.  I wrote curriculum for a village literacy program. 
      At this point, however, I can no longer afford the luxury of working without pay.  I have a masters degree and impeccable references, but although potential employers are intrigued and impressed by my volunteer work, they always end up hiring the other finalist with corporate or salaried nonprofit experience.
       My advice to young moms today would be to earn a paycheck now, live frugally and save so that they can do the heavy-duty volunteering later on. 

      • BetZ

        Ah Suzy.  Hindsight is 20/20 isn’t it, sister.  How shall we move forward?  Maybe someone will start a coop for us?  You know you could get a great job at your local community college….wink.

  • Kayla

    I hope for the best for Katy and thank her and H&N for putting a light on this topic. I truly hope this subject meets mainstream media and change social security for stay at home moms. NO ONE can tell me I don’t have a full time job making sure that my children become helpful members of society. Again, thank you so much to Katy and H&N.

  • Ann

    Heard your interview on NPR. I really appreciated it. I am a working Mum but fortunate enough to be working for a Software co that allows me to work from home. I’ve had a nanny to help but as the kids are in sch now, I’m able to manage it by myself. It’s certainly more work being a working SAHM however I’m glad I have my career as well as have been present for my kids. My mother was widowed at 37 and always drilled in us girls to have our careers. Every Mum should have a source of income just incase. You never know what life will throw your way and you need to be able to take care of the children as well as have a source of income incase you’re alone through divorce or death. Motherhood is so hard. Most of all I think making hte choice to stay home or not is quite difficult. At the end of the day, everyone should respect and support everyone’s decisions. You do what’s best for your family.

  • NMH

    I, too, was in this same place 20 years ago but my kids were 8 and 10, I’d been home for 10 years, just as the “computer age” was coming in and my ex was walking out. Boy, did I have to learn some new work skills in a hurry. Thankfully, the job market was better in 1990′s, but I had to return in an entry level position. Now approaching 60, I look back on those 10 years at home with my kids as priceless, but never an extended vacation (although my ex voiced much that opinion after the fact.) I prefer to think of it as taking some of my retirement on the front end of my work life, which does mean I will be working past what may be considered a retirement age. But still SO worth it! Thanks so much for getting this topic out there and sparking so much good discussion about it!

  • Daughter’s Perspective

    First, thank you for the excellent article. I am a woman in my late 20s, and a friend sent me this link during a discussion we were having regarding our own career/child-rearing thoughts. Neither of us is yet married or a mother, but both of us are with partners we’re hoping to marry and start families with someday. We are also both well-educated and happy daughters of stay-at-home moms, and we recognize how special those moments on the swing can be (for those pumping as well as pushing!). But would we stay home full-time ourselves? It’s not likely.

    The immediate reasons are different, but both of us have come to realize in our lives as young adults that the sacrifices families make in having one parent stay home are not short-term. My own mother chose to interrupt her career as a teacher for ten years between my own birth and my younger sister’s entry into first grade. During that period, her marriage ended, she moved thousands of miles away from her old job to be closer to extended family (thus losing whatever professional network she would be able to draw upon after such a long hiatus), and – on the upside – she certainly contributed to two very happy early childhoods.

    We are still very close, and never would I consider her decision to stay home to be wrong. But as I finish a doctoral degree in a field that doesn’t pay very well and look forward to starting a family of my own in the next few years, my own career and child-bearing decisions are deeply affected by the reality that my sister and I will someday be responsible for most of my mother’s financial care. (I’m saving for it, even as a low-income graduate student.) My mother is still working, and quips frequently that she’ll “Just have to work until I drop dead.” Of course, we all know that that’s not likely to happen, especially as we watch her own mother, otherwise healthy at 87, suffer incapacitating dementia.

    Every situation is unique. But if there’s one thing I’ve decided, it’s that making sure I am as financially secure as possible will be one way that I show my own future children that I love them. Cooing and crying and diapers and floor time don’t last long, but your children are always your children. That said, the dependency relationship can change, and when they grow up, they will probably want to ensure your health and well-being perhaps even as much as you wanted to ensure theirs. As a daughter, I would encourage parents to consider the very-long-term (even post-college) consequences of their careers and general financial planning as they navigate their way through the stressful and wonderful first years of parenthood.

    • Zaks

      Great post.  Encouraging, it seems your mom did a very nice job.

    • Smith

      You sound very intelligent & everything sounds well thought out…. but just wait until you have to go off to work & leave that future baby with someone else… possibly not even a loving grand parent (ideal situation) but with a daycare worker. No one knows how they will feel about their own children until they are born! Some can leave them & some can’t!!

    • Ebelaineb52@gamil.com

      What a sensible post. You are very thoughtful and caring. I am looking at 57 for something to earn from. My husband doesnt care whether I work or not- he is still full time and has his own interests. I worked in the family business and now find I really need to work again. Well. The truth is that I  should never have  let my skill slide so far that they wont be ressurected now however I am optimistic that taking any job will give me an interest and stop me focussing on future worries. Its true that work is stimulating- I remember feeling smug as I sat in the kitchen feeling my brain relax, while feeding playing and enjoying the children. Wow! These times are so different. Hang on to your faculties. -They are difficult to regain.

  • Workingmom

    I am a full-time working mother of two young boys. I agree that raising children is the hardest job there is. I think it is much harder to stay home with the children and without the intellectual stimulation of a job. I just wanted to clarify that working mothers also raise their children . . . we just do it in a different way. I may not get to see my children play all day every day, but I am sure all the time I spend with them when I get home each night (at least 4 hours a day) plus the weekends, holidays and vacations (which are totally dedicated to them) will be enough to create sweet memories of a happy childhood – both for me and them. So, I too spend a lot of time feeding, cleaning, disciplining and playing with my boys and it is hard! In sum, my advice to any new mother would be the same as Katy’s – do not quit your job! It’s hard to combine working and being a mom, but millions of women do it and their kids are not damaged. I was lucky enough to have a mother who gave me this advice over and over again when I was growing up . . . and she was a stay at home mother. Good luck to Katy and everyone else in her situation.

  • http://www.kleendrybh.com Upholstery Cleaning Kendall

    Thanks for your sharing! Ill keep coming back!

  • Salemsunshine

    Katy-first of all, thank you for being so honest and willing to look at your decisions and question whether they were the best ones to make. Too few of us are willing to do that publicly so that others may make different choices – or at least think about our choices!

    Two books address this issue that you and others may find helpful. One is “The Two Income Trap” by Elizabeth Warren; the other is “Get to Work: A Manifesto for Women of the World” by Linda R. Hirshman. Both talk about the very big ‘hits’ a family (and the woman as an individual) take when a mother decides to stay-at-home. And neither book got much attention from the mainstream media as they bring up emotionally uncomfortable questions that cause a LOT of sturm und drang as you know from the comments you got at Salon!

    I think the bigger issue – which is addressed in Hirshman’s book – is that the feminist movement left women in the lurch when it comes to better and more available daycare so that your average mom could also have a career. We have not yet fought that fight, and the privileged women who led the way in other feminist fights can all afford to hire nannys, so they aren’t really invested in this particular battle.

    Until we INSIST on good quality, reasonably priced daycare be available to most of us, it will continue to be difficult for us as individuals to make this work.

    • shannon

      Let’s not blame the feminist movement!! It’s true that many leading feminists were affluent, but in fact, the issue of decent daycare was always there. In socialists countries (like Sweden and France) decent, high quality daycare is available, female employment rates are high. It’s patriarchal capitalism that has created this situation, not feminism.

  • Legz

    Thanks, Katy, for casting a spotlight on this issue. It made me realize that I’m not alone in the world of frustrated moms attempting to return to the workforce. I’m so thankful for the time I have had with my son! However, like you, college time is closing in on us and it scares me to death!! I do wish you all the best in your search for gainful employment. Though I do not fully blame society for our position, I believe societal expectations of mothers have contributed to the demise of the stay-home mom. We’re expected to be bionic women who provide financially, emotionally, physically and otherwise while keeping the Martha Stewart spirit alive in the home and community…all while men move up on the corporate ladder.

  • Kaytee

    This article was hilarious, well written, and tremendously truthful.  Katy Read is a fantastic writer.  I was married shortly after college and had children strait off.  I never developed work experience and will now be entering the work field after three children and a seven year gap.  In retrospect I wonder if those timeless treasured moments would be any less rich if I could now give the children what the income they currently require.  Idealism was my worst enemy.  Thank you, Katy, for the wonderful article. 

  • Okiskipper

    Interesting article, Katie.  I am also a stay home mom with an MBA and international job experience.  My kids are now teens, as are yours.  I, too, am having an extremely difficult time finding a job.  However, if I had it all to do over again, I would do the exact same thing.  Why?  Because while it was a death knell for my career, my children have had a wonderful childhood.  Yes, the children in day care are probably just fine but their mothers weren’t there.  I was the cupcake mom, field trip mom, and the pick-me-up I’m sick mom.  That is what my kids will remember.  I WAS THERE!  No substitute for that.

    • Xmiss905

      I would beg to differ… The kids in daycare do have moms that are there… it may not be 9-5 but they are still there for them. They care when they are sick, they can go on field trips etc…. Those kids are cared for….

      Those mother ARE there…

    • Trisha

      Hi Okiskppper….I would love to talk to you. I also hung up my corporate hat 3 years ago, incredible six figure income working in the high tech industry. I agree with you completely on all fronts. I would love to talk with you!  I did not reenter the corporate world when my youngest went back to school….because I want to be there during their teen years…super important!

      I would love to talk to you  if you are open to it. 


      • Jen

           I totally agree. I lost a big IT job about the time my first of 3 was in his teen years. I decided to take the severance money and start a small business, because I had 3 kids and wanted to be home, in the backgound, when they were teens.  I am glad I did this. 

        • Trisha

          Hey Jen,

          Good for you. I wish more mothers understood that they can have it all…time freedom to be with their children and bring in an income to support their families’ needs. It’s really sad that all these mothers are posting that they are broke and can’t find a job….I think it’s purely a lack of education on what options are out there.

          What is your small business? Love that you did that, btw!

  • Jogerbe

    Luckily, you are a writer, I am not.  I am a an ex “stay at home mom” with my son off to college next month, moved from NY to Maryland to save money, a modification of a separation agreement  to say that his father is not paying for his college since he does not have to do  a thing once a child reaches 18 in Maryland and I, too, have sent out more resumes than I can count.  I am willing to do ANYTHING!  I even took a 2 month job on a plant farm for the money.  I am an medical administrator from New York and worked for some of the high end medical practices in Manhattan until I had my son.  Having had 2 prior miscarriages, I was not about to give up this opportunity of spending every moment as I could with my son.  I did do some part time work in between being a mom, needing the money.  Now any prospective employer wants to know where the “gaps” in my employment came from.  Stay at home mom explanation doesn’t get me the job.  I’m going to lose my home and health insurance (and  I am a genetic diabetic) since I can’t afford those expenses and put my son through college without a job.  I can’t get Medicare because I’m too young.  Can’t get Medicaid because I own things.  Paying for everything from my IRA which I pay a penalty for since I am to young to be taking money out of that and even HAVING an IRA puts me out of any state aid.  You do everything you think is right for the future of yourself and your child.  You work since a teenager through the time until you have a child, raise the child and then boom—-you are dumped.  How did this happen?  I know people who are perfectly able to work collecting thousands from state aid, health insurance, food stamps, free surgeries, teeth, eye care, etc., and I can’t get a thing because I earned a living, paid my taxes, invested in the American Dream of owning a meager home and raised a child.  I, like you, do not get this at all.  I wake up after taking a sleeping pill or I would never sleep and wake up in sheer panic every morning.  What do we do?  Where do we turn?  Getting a group together?  Put me down!  Don’t know where you will find me but while I still have a computer and electricity and internet connection I can be reached at jogerbe@aol.com

  • Vaishali

    Thank you for being so blatantly honest. I’m sure
    it was a very hard thing for you to write about.   Everyday,
    I struggle and think about when I go back to work. I worry that being a stay at
    home mom for four years, who is at the brink of divorcing, my resume will
    simply go unnoticed. It is unfair and the truth. How do you prepare??
    Especially now in this economy??? How??

  • http://www.virtualassistantmoms.com Stephanie Watson

    I have my own business, but I have a situation where I
    really need to find a job with insurance eventually (if it’s not divorce it’s
    one thing or another). I’ve found that being a stay at home mom, with a home
    business (writing, marketing), for 20 years, is a real  deterrent to my becoming employed full-time in
    a job that will pay me what I am worth and provide benefits.

    One cure to the problem of unemployment would have been to
    pass a universal insurance option. Plenty of people would be happy having their
    own business if only they did not have to worry about losing everything due to
    one illness. All states do not even offer an affordable insurance option for
    individuals, especially if you’re over 40 and have any preexisting conditions.
    It’s a real sad state of affairs.

    I really would not want to not be a stay at home mom though, but just that ONE ISSUE with health insurance would change our lives completely and for the better.

    PS I have a Bachelor’s of Science in Business and a Masters of Science in Human Environmental Science with a specialization in Interactive Technology so it’s not like I don’t have the education, experience, and drive to work in a job especially now that my kids are grown.

    • Laurieroy 36

       You should not have kids if your not going to be with them.Seriously.Not being mean just think about it.A dog has puppies.Then she carries them off to a wolf and says,”here ,you take care of them.”What is the sense?????

  • Laurieroy 36

     I can’t imagine how hurt your sons will feel if they ever read this.Turn to God and trust Him to provide for you.I’ve been seperated for 2 years from my husband and I have twin girls,both with special needs including autism,and a 14yr.old son.I even homeschooled the girls the 1st year! I live on child support of $860.00 a month but my rent is $675.00 plus other financial needs. I do what I can to supplement such as odd jobs,dogsitting,raking lawns,even help at times a relative that has a tree cutting business.I use a chainsaw,woodsplitter,etc.This has led me to go for my arborist license which I am studying for and motivate me to eventually start my own business.I am almost40 but with God,nothing is impossible.I have flexible work so I can be there for my children after school,or be home with them if they’re sick,attend a cconcert they’re in DURING school hours,etc.I believe even high school age kids need someone to be there after school so they can pour out their days troubles,struggles,joys,etc.I do not regret being a stay at home mom even in these circumstances.
     I would think your children if they read this will feel you regret having been a mom to them like you should have and you sound so unloving now.I just hope that this terrible article you wrote won’t persuade other stay at home moms to throw their childre into daycare etc.and these children may not bond properly(study reactive attachment disorder),may turn to drugs,sex, etc(look at the problems of today’s youth,including high suicide rates:partly because their parents aren’t there for them,today’s society,and our country.It’s so sad it’s not like the 1950′s(worst problem in school was chewing gum,now we have to worry if our child will get shot at school today.Also,study the history of nazi Germany and see what happened when their mothers gave their children over to the care of the state.Socialism is coming to America.
     One more thing.God provides in awesome ways;such as when last winter the oil delivery man accidentally filled my tank FULL when it was supposed to be my neighbors.Just one example of many.But I hope you take back this article as I’ve stated,I would be so hurt and feel like I had just been a hassle that my mother regrets being there for if I was your kid reading this article.

    • Anonymous

      If this lady’s sons have better reading comprehension skills than you apparently have yourself, they will understand that she loved spending their childhood years at home with them but there was a cost.   Now that she’s solely responsible for her future financial security, she’s realizing how large that cost actually is.  

      P.S.  I’d hardly classify stealing from the oil company as an inspiring example of God’s bounty.

      • Laurieroy 36

         I did not steal from the oil company.I was told by my neighbor what happened.It wasn’t my fault the oil company made a mistake.They couldn’t charge me for their mistake.That is why I said it was a blessing or provision from God.He uses things like that sometimes when we put our faith in Him.
         I paid for the oil the other times such as when I did a tree cutting job when I first moved in in January.I worked outside in 20 degrees doing that kind of work and splitting wood.So why would I steal from the oil company?I’m an honest,hard worker.The oil company couldn’t charge me for the mistake they made and I hadn’t ordered it.I called them on the phone.
         And I did read the article and I still feel her children would feel hurt if they read this.And if I’m wrong,I accept that but I’m simply giving my opinion.We need more women to be encouraged to stay at home with their children,not put fear and discouragement in them by the way this woman’s whining.When America was founded,people put their trust in God and He provided.Also,just look at the kids today starving for love,attention,etc.because they don’t have their mothers,are shoved into daycares,etc.

  • SAHM- Connecticut

    Wow… I am so excited to find I am not the only one “struggling” in this area. I am a mom of 3 boys myself and have been trying to find a job for the last few months. I am so tired of every interview I go on they ask me ” Why do you have a 3yr. gap in your resume?” When I reply I chose to stay home with my boys always the response of “OH”.  Really??  To me thats an awful commment to make anyway but then they question child care and what if my kids get sick whos going to watch them so I can work. I do have all of this covered however I have yet to get that 2nd phone call back. I also am applying for jobs way under me but at this point anything is better then nothing. There is so much against us SAHM…… Very frustrating…Thanks for the great article!!

  • http://www.michellebuck.com MB

    Hmm…Let me see. If I were on my death bed, I don’t think my one regret is that I wished I would have worked more hours for “the man”.  No, I wish I would have spent more time with my kids.  I’m sure kids who go to daycare and the like are fine people, but I’m grateful and always will be that my children get me instead of someone else.  I might be unemployable in the near future but you can’t put a price tag on those years.

    • Estela


      I think you got it wrong Dear! This article is nothing to do with price tag. When you are old and starving or living with someone just because of the “price tag” then you understand. This article is about not giving any importance or protection to woman that should be protected in the future. This article is about how to avoid to become a victim but still be a good mother since this society does NOT protect mothers or family since nobody is there to help but everyone is there to criticize.

      • melinda wells

        i agree  i have 2 sons , 1 who makes a lot of money and he critzies me alot the other does not, you are right when you said you are starving, i never knew i would have ever been that down and out, yes there are so many women out there that will stay on to a man or husband because of money , i love my 2 sons but i want to have a job and meet a good kind man and feel good about my future not to feellike soon i will be 60 and taking up space,i want to feel great , i hate it when my son calls me a mooch , i am 54  and i want to know i can have a life 

        • Estela

           Hi! My situation actually changed. The father is abusive and I do NOT have any other choice than work to help my children and getting them out of the situation. I have a good job and I am in a good professional situation and I never imagined to be in this personal situation. Sometimes life doesn’t give you another choice and if you are a good mother you have to fight and being dependent of a man that is also abusive I don’t think that is a good thing to teach to your children. Unfortunately Life is not all about PINK CLOUDS and some of us DO have to work and carry on.

      • anonymous

        Amen to that!!

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  • Beckher

    good article, well written, but now what?  what about a mom who gave up everything to be home w/ her kids then finds herself in a marriage she needs to get out of.  No college education and no job, now what????

    • Deannp4

      I am in your exact boat!! I don’t know WHAT to do to be able to have a career at age 47!  I am glad I stayed home with my kids, I even homeschooled….but in the mean time I lost myself and now here I am with no marketable skills and no opportunity to support myself.

      • bkjay

         47 is still young. Your options are much better at 47 than they will be at 57! So my unsolicited advice is…Go for it now and don’t wait!

        • Deb Hall

          I am 53.  I have been home with my children since 1991.  In 2004, I returned to college part-time and graduated in 2007.  I took a part-time job that promised full-time employment with a law firm that recently opened in the local area, but was laid off after a year.  That was in January of 2009, in the midst of the recession.  Since then, I have continued to seek employment.  My daughter just graduated from college and is planning on moving before the end of the year; my son is in his second year.  My husband and I have sacrificed for years and regularly experience temporary seasonal layoffs.  What skills and education I acquired, are hardly relevant any longer.  I have had to compete with those who have been in the work world and those entering with a college degree.  Nobody is interested in hiring a SAHM, especially at what is now considered the age for early retirement. 

          In 2011, I started applying for any job.  I actually found one and tried working with people half my age, but they just stopped giving me hours after they opened their business.  It was gruelling and my work ethic was entirely different. I didn’t fit in. They only kept me for five and a half weeks, just a few days short of being eligible to collect unemployment.  I followed all the advise from “the experts” for finding work; resumes writing, professional organizations, networking, volunteering, etc… 

          I was highly recommended and graduated with honors.  I don’t mean to sound negative.  I am really an optimist and my faith is strong, but the reality is (at least my reality) it isn’t going to happen unless I find some way to start my own business.  That, my friends, is going to take some time and soul searching.  You don’t emerge from an experience like this unscathed, in a multitude of ways.  I am a US Army veteran with an honorable discharge.  I have to say that it has been one of the most challenging experiences I have had to endure. 

          You may not meet other’s standards, we all have our own internal standards.  Remember, for whatever reason, you (or you and your spouse) decided to raise your own children instead of having somebody raise them.  Part of being an adult is accepting the consequence of our actions and behavior.  I know, it is not easy!  One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is kindness and self-respect.  I wish you all the very best.

    • stay at home mom–unsure

      I agree. I am coming from a slightly different viewpoint. I have a master’s degree in education and have been teaching for 10 years. I started to lose passion for my career a few years ago. I decided to take early maternity leave, so I do have the choice to return. I am struggling though since I am torn between leaving education and possibly seeking a different career. I am, however, for the successful years I had on the job. As I type this though, I will probably have to seek employment when my son turns one, eleven more moths to go! The way I feel right now–unmotivated, bored, tired–has to change. Here is hoping I can find a part-time job in a new field about a year! It will happen.

  • Bennis

    Thank you for this intelligent, well-written article.  Now that my boys are entering their teens, it is more than time to go back to work, but since I left the work force, we’ve moved to a new city and my old job just doesn’t exist here.  So, it’s back to the drawing board.  I never thought it would be this hard.  I’m taking some classes to brush up on skills and trying to decide what to be when I grow up.   And waking up sweating about how to pay for college…

  • Brosomdel

    I have now realized the HUGE price I’m paying for making my children my one and only career. I have become a retired stay at home mom, because this career, for anyone, does have an expiration date. Now what?? I have no skills and my age, approaching 50, is against me trying to get hired by anyone. I divorced and got remarried. I’m not sure how to handle this new life, where to turn for advice, or to find others in my shoes. I was raised by a stay at home mom back when that was the norm. It’s pretty much unheard of these days. It’s a shame that most children won’t be experiencing the comfort and security of being raised at home by a loving parent. I guess only time will tell what this does to our society.

  • Ferronniere

    the anxiety-filled  3:00 a.m. wake-up calls – i thought it was only me.  had my twin sons late (at 43).  stepped away from career to be their full time mom.  dad not/never involved except what the court mandated (child support/health insurance).  sons are now 7.  i live with family, as i have sons in private school and child support only stretches so far.  am constantly trying to the right thing – for my sons.  i am crumbling.  wish to return to/rebuild my career.  (hysterical laughter heard…?).  the weight of my situation seems heaviest during those 3:00 a.m. wake-up calls.  i have sat straight-up in bed gasping for air, fighting back tears, dry-mouthed.  but i then remeber it is all for my sons…and for another night, i make it through.

    one night at a time……

  • Thetinman

    my wife rented a room from me for 250 a month and never seen a dime since she was 2 months pregenant from someone else we had another child very good children may i add now there 17 and 21 one goes to college finanially set and all i here from her is i messed up her life thanks for the memories

  • Antrubberplant

    Ain’t it the sad truth! After ten years of beginner jobs (television, commercial real estate) and desperately wanting to be pregnant, I finally got pregnant! I didn’t want to miss not one detail of his life. Then a short year an a half later another little one. Naturally, I wanted to see their first steps, hear their first words. Little did I know that I was making the worst mistake!
    This motherhood gig is short lived. Especially nowadays with iPod/iPhones, Wii’s, PSP’s, yes you could play with them but my 12yr old and 10yr old would rather skype or FACE something with their buddies. I would love to start a career but I hear the snickers or sarcastic/snarky remarks. I continue to take college classes instead of succumbing to my situation.

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  • Elisa

    I am in the exact predicament. 54 years old, no skills and no where to go. No one wants a 54 year old stay at home mom with no skills when there are so many young people fresh out of school searching for non existent jobs at this time. What to do? I don’t regret raising my kids , but I recognize I should have prepared myself better for when this time came. 

    • Mesu Mesu

      hey i am 54 i am divorced raised my kids, i have no job , i have clean houses and baby sit, do u have a problem with filling out app or resume 
      i am in baton rouge louisiana

  • Onebeancounter

    When I began a family I left my job as a CPA and tax accountant at one of the big-boy international accounting firms and never looked back.

    Today, there are two beautiful young woman who have benefitted greatly from my being at home with them while they were young. Because I was able to drive a ridiculous number of hours and miles for years, one daughter is a college educated professional ballerina despite the fact she is very dyslexic. The other daughter has been able to stretch herself  academically by attending an online preparatory school for gifted students and reclaim her self esteem that was almost lost to a horrendous bullying situation at a public school. These are children who would not have flourished in day care. I followed my gut and it paid off.

    It has not all been smooth sailing by any means, however. I have stayed in a marriage I should have walked away from many years ago. That’s why they make Prozac and running shoes. I have questioned my choices, wisdom and values more than I care to admit. But, if I had to do it all over again, knowing what I now know, there is precious little I would change.

    Now, I am faced with daunting task of pulling some semblence of a career out of a hat. At first, I felt like so many who have shared their voices on this blog: regret, anger, fear, confusion – the list goes on. That is when I realized I needed to create my own business in order to move on to something better somewhere else down the road. A stepping stone. So, yes, I am doing free tax work, bookkeeping for small businesses and other menial accounting work. But, I have a plan and so should you. When my daughter takes her SATs this year, I will be taking my LSATs because, once again, I am following my gut and I know it will pay off. I have no idea how I am going to pay for law school but I will figure it out along the way.

    I would encourage every woman who is looking to start a new chapter in her life to look deep within herself and take whatever it is that feeds her soul and run with it. What will breathe new economic life into our country is new ideas and new businesses. With age comes a wisdom that gives woman tremendous grace and bearing – just do it- you really can. As for the husband, I have a plan for him, too.

    Next week I will turn 55 and I am just getting started.

    Now it’s your turn.

    • Uuuuuuuu

      Law school? Really

      • Petrina K.


        • anonymous

          Why not? I was considering law school. I wanted to pay off some debt first (not happening). There is a 2 year program at Northwestern in IL. If I can’t find work to pay off this debt, I’ll just go on to grad school and incur more student debt and pray the economy is better by the time I get out and double-time in a law office job if I can find one! Or a bunch of part-time jobs. Whatever it takes, I guess. The trick is to keep getting up every day and trying. It is sooooooo depressing.

    • giving approval

      Well said.

      I have little sympathy for the author of the above article, or those complaining like her, who seem to be doing little more than complaining about the burden of actually have to have marketable skills to get into the market. Stay-at-home parenting is a career decision: leaving it for a new career is a career shift. Just like everybody else, that means you have to present marketable skills and climb some ladders. And with the speed with which technological knowledge changes today, “I used to do this 15 years ago” is meaningless. What can you do today? Build up some demonstrable and sellable skills instead of creating a false dilemma. You want to get a job as a computer programmer, you have to show that you are up to snuff in _today’s_ skills, not the skilss of fifteen, or ten, or even five years ago.

    • fzzwvs

      Thank Onebeancounter, for honestly sharing your experience, it spoke volumes to me. Especially when you said, “However, I have stayed in a marriage I should have walked away from many years ago”, very encouraging. That is exactly where I am. Your comment gave me the courage to move forward-solo. Likewise, I recently laced up my running shoes.

  • Anonymous

    You think it’s hard trying to find work after years of being a stay-at-home mother? Try doing it as a [GASP!] stay-at-home father.

  • Lrwiseman3

    I just came across this article and  this IS my life.  I have 3 kids-17, 14 and 11 and I have always been a stay at home mom and have always homeschooled.  I am also an online student.  After 15 years of marriage my ex found his long lost fiance of 20 some years ago (who is married with 2 kids) and started a relationship with her.  I am now divorced, 43 years old and scared to death because the independent contracting computer job I had for almost 2 years ended unexpectedly mid December.  I’ve had an awesome home based business for 9 years but it’s been on the back burner for the majority of that time while I took advantage of the flexibility to raise my kids.  It was also easier after my ex left to just work on the computer late at night or early in the morning rather than having to deal with actual people.  I am out of savings, and working my rear off to build my business back up to a point where it can support myself and the kids and beyond.  I’m on food assistance.  If I want cash assistance, I would have to give up my child support and maintenance.  $259 does not feed a family of 4.  I wake up multiple times in the middle of the night with this knot of fear in the pit of my stomach.  My heart starts racing and I start hyperventilating and in a split second I’m wide awake.  I don’t know what’s going to happen.  I’m searching for hourly work I can do from home while trying to use my time wisely to build my business and keep my own grades up while taking care of the kids and schooling them.  Am I crazy?  Do I need to throw them into school for the first time in their lives and go get a full time job at Walmart?  I have no idea where I’m going to end up.  I can pay one more month’s rent. My ex has refused any more help. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach as I type.  If anyone has any answers or can help, please email me as I most likely won’t be on this site again.  If you’re interestsed in partnering up with me to build a business that will last a lifetime but is NOT a get rich quick scheme, please check out my website.  I need people to work with who are serious and can commit whatever they can, even 10 hours a week.  There’s no risk and it’s not a scam, it’s a legitimate company that’s been in business for 26 years and has been presented with awards from the BBB.  I can help you and in return, you would be helping me.  My website is http://www.FormyFmly.com
     Good luck to all of us.  I don’t regret my time with my kids but I also never thought this would happen to me and I so wish I had made some different decisions.


  • MeW

    This is sad, I too, am a mom, a stay at home mom for over 11 years…my husband makes a decent living but I really need to make some money, for my sanity…it seems as though I am the one that has given up everything…I don’t spend ANY money on me..only the necessities like toothpaste, deodorant….etc lately I have been looking for work at home jobs (trust me, I spend over 5 hours a day looking at different companies)…but no one wants to hire you unless you have “experience” At this point I don’t care, I will work the night shift and stock shelves so that I don’t have to put the kids in daycare….but no one wants to hire me in brick and mortar stores either.

    I have spent my life taking care of my husband and kids, and that’s fine, it was my choice, both girls have turned out to be amazing little individuals, smart, funny and beautiful…I hear myself preaching to them…”When you graduate college, work hard and earn a good living, enjoy your life and secure your future, THEN think about expanding your family”

    I’ve been feeling so WORTHLESS lately, seems as though i’m slipping into a deep depression and just going through the motions of everyday life. I wouldn’t change anything though. I just wish my value as an educated person would stay the same…

    My husband and I decided I would stay home with the kids (when we had them) right after we got married, we don’t trust people, I mean, nobody will watch/take care of my kids better than me right? My oldest is 11 and neither one of my girls have EVER been with a babysitter….once again, it’s a trust thing.

    In this whole process I have lost myself, thinking a few years ahead, I can see both girls away attending different colleges, and what am I going to do? If no one wants to even consider hiring me now, what will happen 10 years from now when i’m 46? It scares me to death! It is comforting to see so many stay at home moms in the same situation.

    My husband and I are together and technically we are the “perfect” family but we’re not, i’m not happy, I need to earn something, I don’t care if it’s $400 a month. I think my problem comes from never working, my parents are both doctors so I had a great childhood, mom worked part time so I was with my grandmother when she was at work. I had a wonderful life, I graduated college and got married, had daughter 1…and so here I am………..

    • bkjay

       MeW, I would suggest listening to your inner dialogue. I am 57 years old and I stayed home with my 2 children for their entire childhood. Your are young enough to do anything. Whatever you chose whether going back to school in the medical community, a hairdresser, computer career, etc. may not be easy with kids, but it will be worth your efforts.  I say follow your gut and reach for the stars! I didn’t follow my own advice and now I am sorry. FWIW…

  • Sisterchick

    Thanks so much for the roller coaster of emotion I went through as I read your article.  It’s good to know I’m not alone out there.  I had tears as I watched the playground scene with you in my mind.I was wishing the baby years wouldn’t go by so fast and yet at the same time feeling like the demands and juggling would never end.   I felt the fast beating panic in my heart as I read the 3:00 am wake up moment. ”Been there….still doing that…”   I laughed out loud at certain comments in your article and had more tears as I relived the constant dread of wondering if you’ve made the right choice.  Will the lack of college funds and retirement security be worse for my kids than the daycare and full time career would have been?  Even though I’m not divorced I do see the damage the choice of staying home has done to my relationship with my husband.   Will our relationship make it after the last child has left home?  I knew that it was a tremendous sacrifice that we were making when we made this decision but I didn’t realize how much of myself I would be loosing.   I didn’t realize how much of our relationship we’d be loosing.   I’m almost 50 now with one child  in college (19) one 16 and one 11.   We are sinking fast financially.  I’ve been a substitue teacher for about 7 years but my degree is in marketing.   I resent the fact that I can’t find any work that pays more than just above  minimum wage but mostly I’m just scared.  Who will take a chance on me?   Will I report to a 20 year old that I may have changed diapers for at church?  I will just have to suck it up and do what I have to do.  Why do we treat our moms this way.  Shouldn’t our years at home count as work experience?  I think they should.  Like many of your reader’s comments back up below, it is the hardest job ever done.  I remember the day we were driving past a daycare center and the kids were outside playing on the playground.   My daughter said, “mommy I wish I went to daycare”.  I gasped as my heart was ripped from my  chest.   As I look back now and I realize it was just a “grass is always greener moment for her”.    She did go to preschool and was taken to the park often.  But at that particular moment she was  not happy at having to run errands with me.  Now I can laugh about it but then it was brutal.  Even though I don’t agree with everything that you said, I really appreciate your writing this article and the fact that we can all discuss it here.  In the end I have not come to the same conclusion as you.  I will not tell young women and my daughters to never quit their jobs to stay home.  I will support their decisions and tell them to pray for guidance and follow what the Holy Spirit tells them to do.   I would also tell them to think about what jobs and careers work well with family life  AND are something they are made to do.  I never considered those things when choosing mine.  I would recommend nurturing their relationship with their spouse as much as the kids and also TRY to take care of themselves as well.  Not an easy job.  I have failed  miserably at that part and not set a good model.  You will get out of balance and will need to self correct many times.   Most of all I would tell them not to attack the other women that have chosen a different route.  We all need to support and help each other.  I don’t think you did that Katy, but many of your readers are doing that big time.   Bless  you for your writing talent!   Good luck on your job search and I know your boys will be proud of you one day.  Even though they may not tell you until they’re 30 if ever!

  • Anonymous

    I don’t think this is so much about the unreliable job market, but what I read here is that it’s more about unreliable MEN and unreliable MARRIAGES.  Very sad indeed that the most important job in the world suddenly becomes a liability if your husband decides to dump you.  I think it depends on the State you are in, but the court’s view of this is all over the place.  Some will give you alimony for life, some will tell you to go out and get a job. Even more chilling are the domestic violence statistics as a result of this recession. More women are staying in relationships where there is violence because they cannot find jobs and any assets they had jointly with their partners have evaporated in foreclosures, underwater mortgages and investments gone bad.

    • Onebeancounter

      Dear dottdottdott,

      If only it were that simple…

  • Abbie4206

    I feel so much better after reading this.  Thank you.  I wouldn’t trade any of the precious moments I spent with my boys.  There is nothing wrong with SAHMs.  There is something very wrong with society, though. 

  • ashley

    i have been through trauma of divorce but i got my help from s spell caster that i met online and i sent to him the picture of me amd my husband and after 2days my husband came back to me just as he said it. you can also meet with him on  great_olokun@priest.com

    he is really a saviour

  • kimora

    Hi My name is “kimora” just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me cause i loved him with all my heart and didn’t want to loose him but everything just didn’t work out… he moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used roots and herbs… Within 7 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child… I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need’s it… You can email him on great_olokun@priest.com get the spell caster’s contact… Don’t give up just yet, the different between “Ordinary” & “Extra-Ordinary” is the “Extra” so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it’s truly worth it. again his email contact is great_olokun@priest.com


    • Deannp4

       This seems so much like an advertisement and trying to scam desperate ppl.  It is pitiful to use the ppl on this page that are here looking for real answers and support. I suggest that you stop posting these messages. No “spell caster” is going to save anything.  

  • Denise

    I can SO relate and feel completely defeated and discouraged!

  • Rebecca

    I just want to let you know how impressed I am with your services!  I love the personal attention I get.  I feel totally at ease asking questions, and I know, I had A LOT!  I just wanted to say thank you.  You all have made this experience a great one!  My Magick Love Spell is working on Alan now!  Its amazing. Thank you  wiseindividualspell@gmail.com.

  • Jeanlewis79

    This does not only apply to divorcees.  I am a stay at home mom and my husband controls the pursestrings out of necessity–we made some huge financial mistakes for years and now he has to mete out every penny.

  • Sharon2326

    I just don’t know how to started over any advice wil will be help full, thanks

  • Mary

    Time spent with my children is the most important thing in my life.
    I was a stay at home mom for 22 years.
    It was magic.
    Now, at 52, I am re-entering the job market as a displaced homemaker at an entry level position. It took me four long months of applying for jobs full time (each day, all day) to land one in a corporation and I hoping to work myself up the ladder in the next few years.
    I have a college degree and married right after college, never having built a career to start with….

    I would not trade my experience for anything.

  • melinda wells

    i have a comment so are you working now. i loved your story i have 2 sons they are in their 30′s. i am divoced also i started doing things for them and their families and now they do not need me as much and now i have no job, i am in despair, i would baby sit clean what ever they ask me to do, so here i am 54 and i feel crippled and their is no mor fight to get a job i am tired of having no said to me and i think sometimes i dont want to work , but in reality not really, my son is always telling me i am a mooch i hate that more than any thing,i hate filling out an applacation, they want to know what i have been doing, i have had other jobs around christmas times, i hope some one can help me. because i was divorced and when my kids need me i would do what ever they wanted,now my self esteem is low, i feel not good, i am in a bad shape where it is trying to get a job , i live in baton rouge , i am resume crippled and applacation i never put down the right stuff , thank you for listening, i hope some one can give me soe advice , all i get from other people oh go see if you can get a check from government , lol i want to do something i want to pay my own rent and not ever have my son to say i am a mooch again, looking for good advice not to be poked fun of 

    • Carole205

      First of all, shame on your son for calling you a “mooch”.  I cannot even imagine.
      I am a single mom with teenage boys, 56 years old, and making every effort I can to return to work part time as released by my doctor for medical  reasons. 
      I am using my state rehabilitation sevices, testing to be placed in a position that my situation can handle.  I don’t know where you live but I feel sure they offer this if  you are on disabilily, ssi or any other subsidised income and insurance.  I am so thankful for this incuragement.  It’s still not easy since I have been unemployed for 15 years but it is  a start and I think it will help you as well.  Good Luck and again, shame on your son.

  • SDLisa

    Felt like I was reading my own story!  I have been a stay at home Mom (mostly), except for working some part time jobs for the past 12 years.  I have two wonderful kids, age 15 and 12, but just filed for divorce from my husband of 17 years after discovering he has been having an affair for the past 4 years.  I don’t even know where to begin!  I have a college degree in Communications, Public Relations, but so much has changed since I was in the workforce.  Help!

  • Linda2011

    As I sit and read all the posts from woman in the same situation as me I have to wonder  where is the help??  Being married for 25 yrs and a stay at home mom of four boys ages 18, 19, 21, 23 I am now faced with divorce after being in an abusive marriage for 25 yrs I had enouph. To make a long story short, I am still married after trying to divorce for three years, i have no lawyer, he has wiped out all our assests including 401k, annuity almost lost the house and I am unable to find a paying job. I have no medical insurance although the law says he should be providing it until the divorce is over and nobody to enforce it. He has left me without a dime, he pays the bills in the house, occasionally buys some food and I am stuck here with him. So, I have to ask again, I gave up everything to raise my boys and as I see it alone, he wasnt around for football, baseball, dinner, never went on vacation with us his explanation I worked  well I wish I had worked cause I would love to leave him in an alley  with nothing after giving up your life to take care of him.
    Where is the help for woman?

  • Sangospelltemple

    My boyfriend and I were happy as far as I could tell and I never thought that we would break up. When his cousin died in a tragic car accident he went back to Philippine for a week to be with his family. I could not go because I was in the middle of entertaining out of town clients for work. He did not seem to be upset that I could not go so I let him be. The next thing that I know, he reconnected with an old friend from high school that he had a crush on years ago and they started to have an affair! I had no clue what was going on until a month after he came back from Philippine.He proceeded to see both her and I until I caught him testing her one night. I confronted him and he told me the truth about what happened. We broke up and went our separate ways. Neither of us fought for our relationship. I was angry and decided not to be upset about it and just keep it moving. Then after about a month of not speaking to him I became sad. I wanted him to tell me that he wanted to be with me and not her. I contacted Dr.sango for a love spell and he totally helped me! he was able to get him to miss me to where he wanted to get back together again. He had a lot of regrets and felt bad for not fighting to keep me and for cheating in general. He values our relationship so much more now and we are together now! You can also get your lover back with the help of Dr. sango contact him through sangospelltemple@gmail.com

    My boyfriend and I were happy as far as I could tell and I never thought that we would break up. When his cousin died in a tragic car accident he went back to Philippine for a week to be with his family. I could not go because I was in the middle of entertaining out of town clients for work. He did not seem to be upset that I could not go so I let him be. The next thing that I know, he reconnected with an old friend from high school that he had a crush on years ago and they started to have an affair! I had no clue what was going on until a month after he came back from Philippine.He proceeded to see both her and I until I caught him testing her one night. I confronted him and he told me the truth about what happened. We broke up and went our separate ways. Neither of us fought for our relationship. I was angry and decided not to be upset about it and just keep it moving. Then after about a month of not speaking to him I became sad. I wanted him to tell me that he wanted to be with me and not her. I contacted Dr.sango for a love spell and he totally helped me! he was able to get him to miss me to where he wanted to get back together again. He had a lot of regrets and felt bad for not fighting to keep me and for cheating in general. He values our relationship so much more now and we are together now! You can also get your lover back with the help of Dr. sango contact him through sangospelltemple@gmail.com

  • Sangospelltemple

     My name is James, i just want to say a very big thanks to Dr Sango for the work he has don for me i was having a very big miss understanding with my girl friend since last 3 months ago i have been calling her on phone she is not responding.since she has left me i have been experiencing some sleepless night, lowliness and so many things , she gave no chance for begin her, but since i have come in contact with ;Sangospelltemple@gmail.com i explain every thing that happen to him and he told me not to worry that every thing will be all rite. i never expect such sup rice from him on till after the spell casting that work so urgent. she is known responding to my calls, she was the first person to call me back after the 3day spell casting and we are known in a better relationship we are happy as never before may you live long Dr Sango i so much appreciate for your spell casting you are good the world need your assistance for contact email. you can visit him at Sangospelltemple@gmail.com thank you very much sir.

  • Anonymom

    I’m in this boat now at 46, indefinitely separated last year and unable to find full-time employment with benefits despite running my own business successfull for 15 years.  I’ve one grown child and three school-aged sons, two of them getting ready for college in a couple of years. I’ll be honest and admit that, while I have ABSOLUTELY NO regrets as a mother, I do have regrets as a woman, in that I didn’t see this tough road ahead post 2008 with regard to finding work with health insurance, and I trusted that our teamwork as married parents would pay off if he could just hold on.  Now I feel used and stupid.  I spend a lot of nights trying to fall asleep and, instead, in fear of my probable long-term outcome as to how I’ll make it on my own. Staying home with my kids was a two-edged sword, and I really believe that women in our generation were posed in history in such a way that we simply could not win, torturing ourselves for leaving them or being criticized by other women and by books. Damned if we did, damned if we didn’t.  I hope our daughters just do what they have to do, and that their kids understand why Mom simply cannot be there as often.

  • Abalancedyou

    I can understand the angst and frustration, re-entering the job market after many years is a herculean task.  It’s not limited to women who chose to stay home, however.  Any person – particularly a woman – who has been unemployed (for whatever reason) for more than a few years is now disenfranchised.  Employers have created this “catch-22″ in this very difficult market:  If you are unemployed, they don’t seem to have an interest in hiring you.  They’re only looking to hire those who are already employed.

    Go figure.  It’s appalling.  So many wonderful, talented people out there who have found themselves unemployed through no fault of their own, yet they are discriminated against for being unemployed.  It’s like a vicious game of musical chairs; you miss the chair and you’re out, and so on and so forth until there’s only a few people left in the game.

    I wish I had a solution, but I don’t.  I did make a promise, however, that if I’m ever in the position to actually make hiring decisions, I will absolutely make an effort to hire those over-40 and currently unemployed (with appropriate qualifications, of course.)  Try to level the playing field.

  • Pingback: Friday Four: The secret to being a super sahm « qcsupermom

  • Kpgarson

    Speaking as a 53 year stay at home Mom for the past 13 years, and who is ready to head out in search of employment again…this is incredibly depressing…and not helpful in the least!  

  • Sandra


    I am this kind of person who never believe in all these spiritual/horoscope/psychic things, i just think its bullshit but my desperation and loneliness got a better of me one day when i finally decided i dont want to be lonely again, i want my wife back, our divorce was entirely my fault in the first place which was due to my cheating but you never know the value of what you have until you lose it, my ex already remarried but i know i can never ever meet someone like her again, i went to see a friend who introduce me to a powerful spellcaster callled (Prophet Aziz Zala), and everything changes for me in just 7days, i am with my wife now and but when it first worked out i was so scared i was expecting something bad to happen, coz i never beleave in all these spiritual thing, and i was scared but its been 6months now and they assured me nothing bad will happen to me as long as i dont play her. i know there are lot of people out there facing the same thing, pls give it a trial, its your best shot, some people will never understand wanting an ex back, but some do and its for these people who cry in their pillow at night before sleeping. Many of my freind have contacted this prohet for different reasons and they have testified too. You can contact him at his private mail (azizzala@yahoo.com)


  • Csjelton

    My divorce was final in June.  I was married 13 years and have two beautiful tweenage boys.  My divorce lawyer told me “Minnesota doesn’t care about stay-at-home mom’s. (when it comes to spousal maintenance)  You could have been out working and making money but you chose to stay home and raise your kids.”  I am nearly 50 years old.  I never completed a college degree.  I stayed home 13 years to raise my two boys with no help, especially from my ex-spouse.  My last job was 13 years ago and made approximately $30,000.  My ex-spouse told me and the judge and my attorney that I’m perfectly capable of providing for myself and our boys (I have custody 80%) and he shouldn’t have to do anything but the minimum child support number.  My ex-spouse is a lawyer.  I have been unsuccessful in my job search and started a spreadsheet to track the jobs I’ve applied for.  I am registered with two employment agencies, a Workforce Center, scour the ads and job boards daily, put out feelers to anyone I know.  
    I wake up at 3am with panic attacks and am scared for my future.
    I will never regret my 13 years as a stay-at-home mom, they were wonderful years and wouldn’t trade them for anything.  I do resent however, that my “career” has become a four-letter word.  It was a choice we made together at the time as if I had worked, my salary would have been only enough to pay for daycare.  So, essentially I would have worked to pay someone else to raise our kids.
    I have moments where it feels hopeless.  I’m just not sure what I’m to do.

    • Najiffy

      I understand, Cs. I’m panicking as well. I stayed at home with my kiddos, homeschooled them and was divorced. I have applied for teaching positions and it seems I should have left off the homeschooling part of my resume. I volunteered on a homeschooling legal help website for 1 1/2 years for recent work experience and reference. But it turns out that is probably hurting me as well. Oh well…despair is setting in.

      • http://www.facebook.com/kerstin.davies Kerstin Davies

        Maybe consider applying in districts where they have a charter school based on homeschooling?  Or try private schools.

  • dr.koko temple


    This powerful White magic love spell is tailored to bring your lover back in your arms permanently and with no delay. I use the best spell casting techniques to make your lover come home. This spell is customized to your situation and deals specifically with the barriers that have risen between you and your ex-partner. One by one, all obstacles will be removed until your lover realizes that leaving you was a mistake and desire nothing but coming back into your arms.you can also contact him in is email
    address /dr.kokotemple@gmail.com

  • dr.koko temple


    churchofproblemsolved, Thank you! My husband stopped to fill the divorice papers and things are going much better now. As you said, I think that with time everything will be as it was before he met that evil woman. It’s good she’s out of the way now. God Bless You. you can also contact him at churchofproblemsolvedchurch@yahoo.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100005052576661 Precious Israel

    Love can be very tricky, and does not always work out how we would like it to. This can cause us heartbreak and uncertainty in our personal lives. However, now we are able to alter our relationship, or the relationship of a loved one with the assistance of Love Spells. I have tried it and it worked perfectly well for me, i wont want to share my story for reasons best known to me. I got my spell cast at ABULU SPIRITUAL TEMPLE. His Spells cover most aspects of Love. If you want a spell in any aspect of you love life, here is were you can contact him abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com

  • Hayleysmom

    Thank you for this…I am myself trying to return after being a single mom for 17 recovering from head injury and stroke,keeping my daughter on track sacrificing any and all for her,as you say feels like I am naked in a room full of flying glass…hurts hurts and sooo vulnerable.Actually lived on a farm and got off grid so she could have the nature too,but now climbing back into the tech society is again…painful.

  • gina711

    I’m 54 and have spent 24 years raising my 2 kids. I want to finish my bachelor’s degree in computer science and become a software engineer. What are my chances of getting that job?

  • Brendagreen4420

    great article. I decided to stay home c my kids when I had the 3rd one.  I left a great job that I really liked. I have always worked part time (and even a little less than that) – just to remain current.  One thing I am immensely grateful for is the fact that i am a registered nurse. Of all the careers a woman can choose, i would say nursing is one where at any time you can get back in the game and hit the ground running and be offered more hours to work than you would want to handle.  When I was a new nurse many years ago, I often put myself down for not going out there and doing something more corporate with ambition of being some top dog somewhere.  I also kind of frowned on nursing as “just a job”.  Well my “just a job” career is something I can go back to ANYTIME and make 100k plus w all the experience I have.  I can also have all the flexibility I want and jobs are quite plentiful so I can be selective with regards to where I want to work. I have 3 daughters and if I had been asked 10 years ago if I would recommend nursing to them, I would probably have said “no” and that they should shoot for something “better”. 120k a year for working 3 days isn’t shabby. As I have had the experience of being a mom and taking time off, I actually mentioned nursing as a potential choice for her (as she will be entering college next year).  I never thought I would do that.  I guess sometimes it comes down the industry in which you work and perhaps looking at the industry as a whole and being able to predict which industries are more inclined to be ok with taking a break to raise kids.

  • Smeco

    Totally agree with first part of this article.  Divorced with two teenagers and no health insurance coverage is quite a predicament for our lives!  Though totally glad I was there for my kids when young.  Still there for them because of part-time work (substitute teacher).  They love it when I get home before them and have an after school snack ready or pick up after an after school work out.  Being teens they don’t acknowledge these things, but their actions/words let me know they relish them!

  • embark

    Ditto one thousand times.  It would be indulgence for me to say “I’d do it all again” (and I was only out of the workforce three very critical years) because my son was sick and needed me–not a daycare giver–at home and I tried to work out a way to stay at my post-grad govt job to no avail.  I was discriminated against because my husband and I dared to have a baby before it was too late.  And, honestly, my kid barely remembers that three years that negatively impacted his financial future.  He does and will remember the stressed-out, underpaid, and over-worked mom he has now.  I had one of those too and I had hoped that going to college (on my own dime) and working hard would make the difference.  Don’t you believe it, ladies, the stay-at-home mom gig is meant for the upper middle class at best and I can see that the folks writing in clearly have had high-paying professional jobs.  Those of us who attempted to claw their way out of working class rut of constantly parents of struggling kids in decaying neighborhoods and inadequate schools have found ourselves sliding down the slippery slope of this economy into a giant roiling pot of student loan bills. 

  • http://twitter.com/MarySD10 MarySD

    Let me tell you something. Throw away all those parenting books that have absolutely, I mean absolutely no scientific backing to their claims. Most of them are not even qualified to be writing those books. The truth is you can be an amazing mother and still have your life! My mother was a journalist and from a very young age instilled in me that I have to value myself and not live through others. I have seen so many mothers who give up their lives for their children and in turn are bitter when their children don’t show the same level of commitment. In other circumstances, I have seen mothers guilt their kids by telling me them about their sacrifices, thus making their kids and their lives miserable. Don’t do it. Financial independence is very key to a successful marriage too. Imagine having to justify to your husband about every purchase you make, all in the name of bringing up the ideal kid or “spending” time with them so that you don’t feel guilty about having not spent enough time with them when they were younger. My mom and dad always and I mean always spent dinners together, Friday evenings visiting a new place to eat and spent hours just chatting and gossiping, and then Sunday evenings was my quiz hour, where they would quiz me about current topics and that was my way of making money. Both my parents were incredibly happy with their lives both professionally, personally and financially and that in turn made them the best parents in the world. I am not sure that would have been the case had my mother chosen to give up her career, focus all her energy on me, my father having to making the money and us living on a shoe string budget. No way! I also think that was the key to their successful marriage!

  • http://twitter.com/MarySD10 MarySD

     And if you really want to read a book it should be about the French or even the Scandinavian women and how they bring up their kids. Their kids have less mental issues than our kids do, they are brilliant in their school and seem very well rounded and very mature, while, their mothers are out working. There is something terrible about our culture that guilt’s mothers into believing best mothers are those that sacrifice themselves for their children. Terrible!

  • Denni1212

    I could not have said it better. I wish there was a way we could talk this over on a long extended trip to the destination of our choice. All of us moms who have everyones best interest at heart but our owns. I do not know how to love myself even a 10th of what I loved my family and love my adult children. How is it we are so capable of that depth of love but are not privy to it? The price we have paid and continue to pay will always be worth it because our love for our children transcends the expectations of society  and our own expectations of the society in which we reside. I am so happy I did not sell out or give in to that which wasn’t there for me then and never was going to be there for me now, I feel I won with the life I shared with two of the best friends and people I will ever know, my children. Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing them with all of us. I wish you the best my friend. Dena Olson

  • Okdk7

    Not only did you witness your children’s childhood, you shaped them. Right/Wrong… THAT is possibly where you will see the big difference between children raised by SAHMs/SAHDs and those raised in infant/toddler camps. (:) )

    Hadn’t you ever been told by any of the kid’s elementary teachers that they could tell exactly which children had a  SAHM/SAHD ?   

    Did you ever ask how ?    

    Great article… ! 
    Thank you

  • J Adams1

    I had my daughter at an in home daycare from 4 to 8 months old. She had got a broken arm at 8 mos old and I can’t with proof say that it happened at the daycare but I would think I would know if I seriously injured my child. I pulled her out of daycare and then decided it best that I stay home with her. I gave up my job at the investment company and now have no experience despite the fact that I have worked in customer service jobs over the past 10 years while the kids were in school and a total of 15 years through out my life. I went on a job interview for an agency and was told by the agency employee that the company said I didn’t have enough customer service experience. If I am confident about one thing that is that I am very good at customer serivce. Now I am struggling to find a job and really need to help my husband support the family. I kept telling myself that it was important that I stayed at home to raise my kids. One day last summer, my 18 year old daughter came home after volunteering at a daycare all summer and said, “Mom you should have put us in day care, those little one really benefit alot  from being there learning and socializing all day long.” Well that made me feel confident in my choice over the last 18 years. What really is the  right choice?       

  • Jhfreybaby

    I have 4 children which are now grown. There was no way I was going to have my children raised by the daycare system nor was I going to have someone else raise my children. I had a pretty rough childhood and because of reasons I did not finish high school but I did get my GED in 1990. I got married the first time at 17 and that was a nightmare. Fast forward to now. I’m 50 years old have not worked outside the home in years, not much experience and no education. I was diagnosed with leukemia in 2007 and had back surgery last year. I am lost! What do I do? I need a job but seriously,, who would hire me? Just lost..

    • Trisha

      I am a full-time mother and business owner working from my home. We are expanding our advertising business and currently looking for motivated, coach-able women (and men) with leadership skills. Hours are flexible (PT/FT) and you can work from home but you must be a team player, self-disciplined, comfortable talking a lot on the phone and dependable. Previous experience in customer service, sales, and/or marketing is helpful but not required. Training is provided. No EMAILS or TEXT MESSAGES. Serious inquiries only please. Call Trisha for a pre-screening interview – 925-963-0333

  • http://www.facebook.com/micheal.wisdom.127 Micheal Wisdom


    i want to use this opportunity to tell Dr PAPA77 of love
    temple, that i am very grateful for helping me get
    back my lover’ after he abandoned me for good six months with pains and
    tears in my heart. i am Miss micheal wisdom sophie from united states.
    my husband before the break up usually insult and see nothing good in
    thing i do, i felt as if i was cursed. my friends advised me to let go
    but i couldn’t because of the love i have for him. which was so strong
    and could even move ten mountains in a speed of light. after two days of
    my contact with Dr PAPA77 my husband came back with apologies
    and love that he had never show me before. right now he doesn’t insult
    me any more rather he tells me how pretty and wonderfully made i am by
    one thing i love about Dr PAPA77 , is that he is so accommodating
    and free.you can still call Dr PAPA77 on his personal line at


  • Judy

    You have just wrote my story…I am the mother that opted to stay home when I was juggling the life of mom and manager.  I even set an amount of years telling my former employer that I would be back.  I like you, kept my knowledge base, doing work for others at my job but not getting credit or pay – thinking all along that when I got to go back I would be able to step in running.  I even went back to school online – I knew that one of the criticisms for women opting to mother than return to the work world was that they were not up on their skills and knowledge and I was a systems manager where computer technology and programming languages changes every other week.  I was determined to show that I could take the time and then return and still contribute…problem is that no one wanted to listen to it.  As you mentioned, there is a discrimination against returning mothers and no matter what you did while you are away they think that your brain has turned to mush and you are not qualified.  I was a top notched systems manager for 10 years when I took this short (5 year break) in an area where women are few and far between and then when I went to go back all they could offer me was a supervisory job at less than 1/2 my previous salary and a title that I earned of Assistant VP (a title that is earned and voted on by a board, etc) was not allowed because they had changed policy and my new job title was not eligible for AVP.  I could not believe it.  I was being disrespected but here is the real kicker – the area I was put into was an area with massive overtime (7 days a week 8am to 11pm) mandatory.  I would barely be able to see my kids in the morning and then nothing – I would love to say the money was good but the 3 people who worked for me made more than me because they were eligible for overtime and I was salaried.  I, of course, told myself that I could do this – I will show them how good I am – they will promote me and away I would fly – 2 years later with Exceeds Requirements Reviews I was still there making less than my staff and exhausted and not with my kids.  Do you know that this situation made regret having kids?  Do you know that I regretted leaving in the first place?  Yes I loved every minute I was there for my kids but I had to work for income and I was being tortured again (the reason I left the first time was because I telecommuted every afternoon – I would work from 5am to 7am, at home, get the kids off to preschool and then work from 9am to 2pm in the office and then pick them up and work from home again 3pm until bed time and my manager questioned my work – so feeling very disrespected my husband and I decided I should stay home until the last was in Kindergarten and then return) So I left again.  After working odd part-time jobs (money requirements are still there) I finally landed an adequate job at an actual less than adequate pay but at least I have a job where I can see my kids – I have two in college now (so money is tight still) and sometimes like you I lay awake at 3am wondering what more can I do to get more money to aid my family.  I agree – this is a warning and I must agree – be very careful with your decision to leave and become a full-time mother – there are consequences.

  • Trisha

    ahhh, the struggles all these mothers face with putting their kids in daycare when they really want to be home with them and raising them….unfortunately, there are not many options out there for the modern mom to earn great income or even supplemental income AND still be HOME with their children. Of course there are all sorts of home based businesses, but they require a lot of “out of home” parties and selling stuff to their friends and families. I searched high and low for a model that was unique, worked for my family, didn’t require me to do parties and leave my house 5 nights out of the week…and now it’s been 3.5 years…my boys are 4 and 6 and I have been out of the corporate world and I love it! It’s not easy…..or everyone would be doing it…but it works and I am looking for a few like minded professional moms to come onboard! I promise you this is not a scam or MLM deal….just looking for a few women that have a strong desire to change their current situations. I run an advertising business from home and raise my two boys in and around my work. Please only contact me if you are serious about hearing and I will be in touch to set up a pre-screen interview! 


  • http://www.facebook.com/enato.collins Enato Collins

    ‘Hello everybody.My name is Javier Espinoza.Am a 67year old man.I had totake out my time to do this because am tired of seeing people been scammedby different spell casters.Have been scammed by 5 different spell casters
    before not until i met the real spell caster.I lost all i had.I was sackedfrom my place of work.There was no money to feed my family.Because ofthat,my wife asked for divorced.She left with our 6 children.I was
    devastated.I attempted suicide at that time but my friend saved me.He sawmy condition.Then he told me about a spell caster he has been using forabout 5years.I told him how had been scammed by 5 differentspell casters.Then he told me this was different.He paid this spell caster on
    my behalf.Two days later,we went to the bar.On our way back home,i saw mywife and kids at the door.She knelt down begging me.I couldn”t believe myeyes.In less than 48hours later,i was re-instated at my place of work with
    double promotion and added incentives.In that same week,i slept and I sawsome money under my pillow.Was scared then my friend told me that was thework of the spell caster.I got the double of the money my friend paid on my
    behalf.My friends,Dr OLOKUM is real.His services are basically freebecause whatever money you pay for items,you will get back thedouble.Please friends,don’t be fooled my all these stammers.Try this andyou will thank me.You can get him through LAVENDERLOVESPELL@GMAIL.COM 

  • Dodogodssolution

    I ordered a spell on a friday night and on Monday the place I applied for a job called 
    for me to come by their office. They gave me the job I applied for and made me an offer 
    of more per hour than I have ever made in my life! I am so happy!  The government jobs 
    sometimes are a slow process. You somehow managed to speed up that process, and I 
    start in just a few days! dr,kokotemple i will be forever grateful thank onces again ok
    you can call on him for help on his email address dr,kokotemple@gmail.com  

  • Dodogodssolution


    Sometimes, love is complicated and arguments may overcome even the brightest and most solid relationships. If you are having real and serious problems with your lover, this fantastic love spell will stop any difficulty arising between your partner and you. If your situation seems desperate, I recommend you to order this spell with the BINDING LOVE SPELL. This combo White magic solution will solve the hardest cases.emai now dodogodssolution@yahoomail.com

  • Pingback: The End Of The Mommy Wars | Cognoscenti

  • Ajagbotemplespell

    am happy to report that my wife and I are now happily back together. I
    have to say it was effortlessly done! Within 72 hours, My wife is back
    in my life. My wife left me a year ago.with my two kids  The longer she’s gone, the
    more I see what a jerk I was. At first, I blamed her for leaving. I told
    her she was ‘wrong’. In fact, I slapped Scripture on her, trying to
    guilt-induce her any way I could. My anger make me only to pushed her farther away.
    I can’t believe the way I acted. My wife gave me chance after chance,
    and I ignored her.

    I contacted Dr Best and within a few minutes of speaking with him, I
    realized that Dr Best was the one person whom I could completely trust.
    I just wanted to thank you for all your help! and I will always be using Dr.Best for further
    work in the future because he really put smile on my family again. We are now blissfully celebrating our Birthdays
    together. Thank you
    so much!!!
    For those who might also want to give him a try. Email him on bestlovespell@gmail.com
    or find him on Facebook at best temple. you will never regret ever
    contacting him i wish all that will contact him best of luck

  • bobby

    I love your article but would add to your advise for women considering a career time out.
    I would tell them “have a plan for what kind of work you would do when you try to return”. Having gone through this and seeing my 30 year career now vanished forever I can honestly say that like you I am lucky. I too am divorced and lucky me I owned all my property myself before marriage at 39 and childbirth at 43.
    I honestly thought that with all my experience and contacts across the US I would be ok. And I only took 3 years off. But, and this is a big one, it was the wrong 3 years off. It was right when everything went sideways in our economy.
    I too had lots of scary nights where I sat there thinking how things were going to work. I too had no insurance. And like so many people I used savings and retirement funds to get us through what seemed the worst nightmare.
    And three years later I still get nervous that I won’t make bills because now I am a full commission sales person. The only job that I could find. And while I complain I also give thanks because we have food on the table and a roof over our head. Oh, and the 2000 car still runs!
    My child is a super star at school BECAUSE I stayed home and really was engaged in showing her organizational skills, creative process and thinking and how to commit to your work first and find it fun. 
    I sacrificed my future but not hers. My child will be better prepared for life as a young adult. 
    This does not mean I am super happy all the time. I work now all weekends and have not had any new clothes to speak of in 5 years. 
    Still, I love life and I love my child more than anything.
    (oh and babysitters make more than my hourly wage…thank goodness for commission.)

  • Katie

    I found a great company that focuses on green living and being able to earn an income staying home with your kids. Take a look at http://hn.momsprovide.com

  • Joy Micheal

     Hello I am Joy Micheal ,I am out here to spreed this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex lover back.I was going crazy when my love left me for another girl last month, But when i meet a friend that introduce me to DR GREAT OSOBA the great messenger to the oracle that he serve,I narrated my problem to DR GREAT OSOBA about how my ex love left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,In the next 2 days,My love called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week after my love called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact DR GREAT OSOBA at the following email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on: greatosobaspelltemple@gmail.com. and get your problems solve like me….. ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: greatosobaspelltemple@gmail.com

  • Amyoutofwork

    Interesting article. One which I could relate to on many levels. I too left a thriving business to stay home with my 3 sons. I too ended up divorced and financially devastated. The home we owned together went into foreclosure and I am now renting and praying I can meet the rent and keep the heat and electricity on! I am desperately trying to find work, anything, but have heard I am over-qualified, under-qualified, and I know there is the “she is too old” thought in many potential employers heads. I do feel discriminated against! Yes, I CHOSE to stay home with my boys and I too would do the same thing again. I was a sacrifice, financially, not having fancy cars, a big house, designer clothes….but like one woman said, my children will always have the memories of me coaching baseball, going on field trips with them, being the house all the kids came to hang out over after school….priceless. My question is how do I deal with this issue when trying to get a job? Do I state out right in my cover letter the reason there is this big gap in my resume? Or do I leave potential employers to draw their own conclusions as to why a seemingly once successful woman has this big gap in employment history? I feel like I cannot compete with these younger people with their fancy clothes, wrinkle free faces and no huge pile of baggage that I carry around with me.

  • Pat

    It is sad that women have to make these choices…..about a week ago, near our city an 11 year old boy took a gun, with 400 rounds of ammunition and several knives to his middle school with the thought of killing another child and then killing himself! Both parent are in the home, but who is really home to watch our children. We need to consider as a country “who is going to raise our children?”

  • joanofarc13

    Thank you for your article! I am a stay at home mother of twenty years and find myself disillusioned with finding support for those of us who have chosen “the path less” in this moment in time in 2014. I am college educated, a suburban mother…who worked full time… until the constraints and demands of life overwhelmed my ability to truly appreciate the opportunity this life has to offer. As much as I wished to return to work when my children were of grade school age, I found myself in the generation of having to care for my disabled elderly parents. Consequently, the last five years have been spent grieving for the death of my father, mother , and brother…all of whom I have been a personal care giver. In the midst of struggling to find healing, I had the opposite emotions of having to support my children (and myself) through a divorce, mentoring them through high school, and ultimately their quest to discover college. I have been raised to believe that I can conquer anything (my mother was a very strong…positive woman… and ultimately the matriarch of our family). While we all ebb and flow through this life…I have to believe that our influence and the decisions we make do make a difference, if not for the betterment of our children and families, then for ourselves! I do not find myself regreting the decisions of the past…not one! I even took my children on an adventure vacation to Mexico…one last hurrah! You are not alone in this journey. Sooo…here I am…trying to integrate back into the workforce. I have to trust that employers will be empathetic to those of us who have chosen “the road less traveled.” Society requires us all to be present…at any moment…at any given time! Kudos to all who follow their dreams!

  • Script-Adult

    For all of you, “How to stop worrying and start living” by Dale Carnegie. Listen to it
    on YouTube. Every stay at home mom should listen to it, more if you live to worry, are depressed, frustrated, etc. “Most” of the things we worry about never happen. Guys, go now and listen to it. It will really help.

  • CottonCandy

    Excellent article! I found myself laughing out loud more than once. Technology is advancing and those of us closer to retirement than others see the looming fiscal cliff associated with obsolete skills and lack of spousal support with lazer beam fixation. A new day has dawned and our paradigm hasn’t simply shifted, our world has fallen off it’s axis giving us less “time in the sun.” We’re stronger than we know however. Job security and 401K matching funds may have gone the way of the Edsel but there is nothing like the social collaboration of females in our society. When all is said and done, I will take my four adult, highly functional, respectful, considerate children over a nine to five any day. Waterpark, playground, hand-holding mothers unite.

  • AWilliams

    I left my job at a university when my son was born 13 years ago….I thought I would go back part time but it never was available. Now he starts high school next year and I can not even get an interview at my old place of employment much less anywhere else. I have applied for ten jobs at my alma mater and cannot get an interview despite using professors as my references. I have a Masters in Rehabilitation Counseling; a waste as far as I am concerned. My son is the world to me and I wouldn’t trade being here for anything in the world! My advice to new moms is to perhaps hang on at least part-time so that you have something to go back to when your children are approaching their high school years. Going back to school is not an option as I don’t qualify for financial aid and cannot afford the high tuition rates. All very depressing……

  • Katie

    I found a great company that focuses on living a natural and healthy lifestyle. While being able to earn an income staying home with your kids. Take a look at http://hn.momsprovide.com

  • vaughn

    Lol, sums up my thoughts as I read through your article. I stumbled across your article looking for the words to describe the demise of my career as I write my personal statement for graduate school. Nonetheless, I feel your pain in totality but I wouldn’t change the decisions I’ve made to stay home. My children are better for it and I was able to lay a solid foundation –no sinking sand here!

  • shannon

    This is a devil’s bargain–either raise your children yourself or pay a ridiculous amount of money for others to do it for you and maybe have a job (this is no longer a given) into middle age and beyond. It is absolutely evil on so many levels and yet we are forced to accept this bargain. Of course, you don’t have to have kids, but then you’re faced with glass ceilings, lay-offs, downsizing… One way or another women lose. One thing is absolutely clear to me is that this recession has made feminism relevant again. There is work to be done in this country. Anyone who has raised kids is absolutely competent to work despite a gap in employment history. The long-term unemployed are too. We need leaders who will create jobs for everyone–fixing infrastructure, caring for the elderly, planting trees, teachers–you name it. Everyone deserves a decent paying job if they want one. Let’s stop blaming ourselves for legitimate lifestyle choices and hold elected representatives accountable for creating an economy that works for everybody.

  • Nena

    Hi my story is actually somewhat the same, Im actually only 24 and have no friends no family no work experience. In fact in high school I didnt have any credentials that could help me in a resume see because I decided to jet myself right into independent studies right after eighth grade (explains the reason why I really have no friends). One night after a long argument with my husband that almost led to a divorce, I stayed up thinking to myself how I left my whole future, my friends, my planned ahead life in order for ME to be the one to raise my daughter and dont get me wrong I do not regret it at all, well it got me thinking in how im not getting any younger and what if in the future i decide or do need to enter the job market high probability that i will, who would want to hire someone with no work experience. What if I turn 30 40 i dont knowaybe even 50 and my husband decides to leave me or the main thing that crosses my mind is my children asking me what did i accomplish in life, where did I go to college. I have no answers other than nothing and no where. I do need to change that but i dont know where to start other than applications after applications, not one interview and i have been job hunting since late 2012

  • wlp

    Capitalism eats you up, sucks you dry, then spits you out like unwanted refuse.

  • wlp

    Thank feminism. They are the ones who made it necessary for women to work, impossible for men to provide for a family, and jacked up the divorce rate by making it difficult for men and women to get along.

  • Marian Jerry

    Hello every one, I really want to share my testimony to the hearing of the general public on this site about how DR EHI helped me, December 2013, I saw a post on a particular site shearing testimony on how the great spell caster brought back her ex who name is Jerry so I just see it common and i said let me see what will happen because my husband left me and my three kids for another woman just like that, i and my husband was married for six years living happily before i new what was going on, he left me and go for another woman so when i saw the post, i contacted the spell caster on his email and he told me i should not worry that my husband will come back to me in three days after once he finish casting the reunite spell and to my greatest surprise, i now have my husband back to me again and i want to use this medium to let every body know that this is real and if you are out there having this same problem please contact the great spell caster on his email now because he can do the unexpected. his email is ehispellcentre@gmail.com or email him directly on his web site http://ehispellcentre.webs.com . I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK.

  • Jay Stacey

    My Name is jay Stacey, i want to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called Dr emua has just done for me , this man has just brought back my lost Ex husband to me with his great spell within 24 hours. I was married to my husband Alans jay, we were together for a long time and we loved our self’s but when I was unable to give him a child for 2 years he left me and told me he can’t continue anymore then I was now looking for ways to get him back until i sow a testimony in the internet about dr emua, and how powerful his spell work is, so i decided to contact him via his email (dremuahelphome@outlook.com)then you won’t believe this when I contacted this man on my problems he cast a very strong spell for me and bring my lost husband back within 24hrs, and after a month I miss my monthly period and went for a test and the result showed that i was pregnant. i am happy today am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great Dr emua for what you have done for me.Contact him on his private email dremuahelphome@gmail.com if you are out there passing through any of this problems or predicaments in your life. try him any you will forever remain happy.

    1) If you want your ex back.

    (2) if you always have bad dreams.

    (3) You want to be promoted in your office.

    (4) You want women/men to run after you.

    (5) If you want a child.

    (6) You want to be rich.

    (7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be

    yours forever.

    (8) If you need financial assistance.

    (9) How you been scammed and you want to recover you lost money.

    (10)if you want to stop your divorce.

    (11)if you want to divorce your husband.

    (12)if you want your wishes to be granted.

    (13) Pregnancy spell tp conceive baby

    (14)Guarantee you win the troubling court cases & divorce no matter how what stage

    (15)Stop your marriage or relationship from breaking apart.

    once again the email address is dremuahelphome@outlook,comcontact him immediately.

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