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Monday, February 25, 2013

Author Shares ‘The Secrets Of Happy Families’

Author Bruce Feiler and his wife Linda with their daughters. (Courtesy Kelly Hike)

Author Bruce Feiler and his wife Linda with their daughters. (Courtesy Kelly Hike)

New York Times columnist and author Bruce Feiler is always searching for answers. He’s the guy who walked the Bible and explored why the story of Moses is so enduring.

His latest project hits closer to home.

Feiler and his wife Linda Rottenberg are the parents of twin girls and when they found their daily life growing more chaotic and hectic, Bruce decided to look for help.

He wanted to know what makes a happy family. So he consulted a wide ranging group of people, green berets, coaches, software engineers and branding experts.

The result was his new book, “The Secrets Of Happy Families: Improve Your Mornings, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much More.”

Some suggestions include:

  • Don’t worry about family dinner.
  • Let your kids pick their punishments.
  • Ditch the sex talk.
  • Cancel date night.

Feiler hopes “if you take just one idea from each chapter in this book your family will be transformed in less than a week.”

Intrigued? Read an excerpt below to see if he’s onto something, and tell us what you think of his idea on Facebook or in the comments. You can also share your secrets to a happy family here.

Book Excerpt: ‘The Secrets of Happy Families’

by Bruce Feiler

Bruce Feiler "The Secrets of Happy Families" book cover

The last fifty years have seen a wholesale revolution in what it means to be a family. We have blended families, patchwork families, adoptive families. We have nuclear families that live in separate houses as well as divorced families that nest in the same house. We have families with one parent, two parents, three parents, or more, and families with one, two, or three faiths, and some with none.

No matter what kind of family you are part of, an enormous new body of research shows that your family is central to your overall happiness and well-being. Study after study confirms that the number one predictor of life satisfaction comes from spending time with people you care about and who also care about you. Simply put, happiness is other people, and the other people we hang around with most are our family.

So how do we make sure we’re doing that effectively? The last decade has seen a stunning breakthrough in knowledge about how to make families, along with other small groups, run more smoothly. Myth-shattering research from neuroscience to genetics has completely reshaped our understanding of how parents should discipline their children, what to talk about at family dinner, and how adult siblings can have difficult conversations. Cutting-edge innovation in social networking and business has transformed how people work in groups. Trend-setting programs from the U.S. military to professional sports have introduced remarkable techniques for making teams function more efficiently and bounce back from setbacks more quickly.

But most of these revolutionary ideas remain ghettoized in their subcultures, where they are hidden from the people—the families—who need them most.

This book is designed to make a dent in that problem.

Bruce Feiler and Linda Rottenberg are pictured in the Here & Now studios. (Jesse Costa/WBUR)

Bruce Feiler and Linda Rottenberg are pictured at the Here & Now studios. (Jesse Costa/WBUR)

I have tried to write the book I have most wanted to read as a spouse, parent, uncle, sibling, and adult child. I’ve broken down families into the things we all do—love, fight, eat, play; fool around, spend money, make pivotal life decisions—and tried to discover ways to do them better. I have sought out the most illuminating experiences, the smartest people, and the most effective families I could find as a way to assemble best practices of families today. My goal was to put together a playbook for happy families.

Most of these ideas have been hiding in plain sight. I took a course from the founder of the Harvard Negotiation Project on how to fight smart. I visited ESPN to find out what the best coaches know about building successful teams. I worked with Green Berets to design a perfect family reunion. I got some advice from Warren Buffett’s banker about how to set up an allowance. I sat down with top game designers in Silicon Valley to see how we can make family vacations more fun.

And on one of my favorite days, I visited the set of Modern Family. The most popular show on American television captures many of the crosscurrents in families today. There’s a suburban family battling everything from technology to dating. There’s a gay couple with an adopted Vietnamese daughter. There’s a grumpy grandfather with a Colombian trophy wife and a day-trading, lovelorn son.

A key part of Modern Family’s success is that no matter how outrageous the characters act or how loony a story is, the writers pull a string just before the final commercial and the family comes together in a reassuring hug. I’d sure like one of those strings! I talked to the cast and creators about what the success of Modern Family says about modern families and whether we should all live our lives more like a sitcom.

In the course of this research, I also encountered a shocking array of outdated advice and ill-informed recommendations, and this book became something of a crusade against a few fashionable trends.

The first is the family improvement industry. Of the nearly two hundred books I read, the ones by therapists, counselors, child-rearing experts, or other traditional “authorities” on family life were by far the least helpful. It’s not that they were ill-informed or poorly written. It’s that they seemed tired and out of date. The questions seemed retread from thirty or even forty years ago; the answers seemed stale. A century after Freud, this once-innovative field seems to offer few original ideas.

At the same time, nearly everything else about contemporary life is being remade and re-imagined. Where are the fresh ideas for families? Early on, I set the goal of speaking with the leading lights of technology, business, sports, and the military about the innovative ideas they bring home to their families. I made a parallel goal of not speaking with any therapist. (For the record, I violated that goal only once, when I met with a Belgian sex therapist, and boy was I glad I did!)

The second trend is the happiness movement. Anyone who’s stepped into a bookstore or scanned the Internet in recent years knows a new field emerged in the early twenty-first century called positive psychology. Pioneered by a group of visionary scholars, the movement shifted attention away from the longstanding focus on individuals with mental illness or other pathologies and concentrated on high-functioning individuals and what the rest of us could learn from them. The field exploded, and I, like many, have learned a tremendous amount from this exciting literature.

But as even the leading practitioners of positive psychology have complained, all the attention on individual happiness has also made our culture more shallow and self-centered. A primary tenet of most happiness books, for example, is to figure out what makes us happy. Yet among the things proven to make us the least happy are raising children, tending aging parents, and doing household chores. That’s 80 percent of my waking hours!

We need to take the central premise of the happiness movement—its focus on those who do it right—and apply it to the area of our lives that’s been scandalously overlooked: our families.

Finally, the parenting wars. The last few years have seen an outpouring of books, articles, and magazine covers wrangling over the issue of what’s the proper way to raise children. Be strict like the Chinese; no, be lax like the French; spank ‘em like they did in the good ‘ol days of the good ‘ol U.S. of A. These debates are fiery, passionate, and oddly familiar. Isn’t the tough-minded Tiger Mom just the inverse of the permissive Dr. Spock?

The authors of those books have an ideology they want to promote. I don’t. I don’t have a country I’m trying to emulate. I don’t have a mascot. I have a question: What do happy families do right and how can the rest of us learn to make our families happier?
And I have a conviction: No matter what I find, I’m not going to reduce it to a list of five, six, or seven things you absolutely must do create the perfect family. In 1989, Stephen Covey published The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, one of the most successful self-help books ever written. It has sold more than twenty-five million copies. The book spawned countless imitators seeking to identify “5 Easy Steps” or “Six Simple Truths.” The Internet, with its emphasis on bite-sized wisdom, has only accelerated this trend. As every blogger, Tweeter, and Pinterest poster knows, readers love lists. I’ve certainly digested my share of such lists (and generated more than a few myself), but secretly I hate them. They stress me out because I’m always worried I’m going to forget number 4 or disagree with number 2.

So in this book I’ve tried to go to the opposite extreme. I’ve strived to generate a fresh gathering of best practices for each of the subjects I tackled. Not just parenting, but also marriage, sex, money, sports, and grandparenting. My goal was to create The List to End All Lists, more than 200 bold new for improving your family. While that might seem overwhelming, please hear me out.
A collection like this is liberating, I believe, because it’s obvious no one can attend to them all. If you’re like Linda and me, a few will make you uncomfortable. Do I have to use the word vagina when giving my daughters a bath instead of the more demure “privates”? A few you might not agree with at first. What do you mean I should cancel date night? And a few you might simply reject. Let your kids decide their own punishments?

But if you’re also like us, you’ll be shocked by how much you didn’t know and jazzed to get started trying out some new techniques. I’m almost prepared to guarantee that you’ve never encountered at least three-quarters of the ideas in this book. (With us, I’d put the figure at 90 percent.) And I’m betting at least a few of them will be useful. My hope is that if you take just one idea from each chapter in this book your family will be transformed in less than a week.

And who among us doesn’t want that? For all the lip service we pay to families in our culture, most of us have a nagging fear we’re not doing it as well as we might. We know our families are the single biggest influence on our well-being, yet we spend surprisingly little time trying to improve them. Just listen to the conversations we have all the time: We’re busy; we’re harried; we’re overwhelmed. We feel time slipping away. Having beaten the biological clock to have our kids; now we race a different ticking clock to help convert those kids into a family.

And we can. Everything I’ve learned persuades me it’s possible to give our children a secure, loving family culture they can carry with them throughout their lives. It’s possible to include grandparents, siblings, even bumbling Cousin Joe in an extended community of nurturing and support. It’s possible to have a happy family.

Nearly a century and a half ago, the great Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy began Anna Karenina with one of the most famous lines in all of world literature. “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” When I first encountered this line, I thought the first half, in particular, was inane. Of course all happy families are not alike: Some are large, some are small; some are boisterous, some are quiet; some are traditional, some are non-traditional.

Writing this book has changed my mind. Recent scholarship has allowed us, for the first time in history, to identify some building blocks that high-functioning families share; to understand the techniques effective families use to overcome challenges; to pinpoint the skills each of us needs to conduct ourselves more successfully in this most maddening of human institutions. Is it possible, all these years later, to say Tolstoy was right: All happy families do have certain things in common?

That answer, I believe, is yes. Come, let me show you why.

Excerpted from “The Secrets of Happy Families: Improve Your Mornings, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much More” by Bruce Feiler. Copyright (c) 2013 Bruce Feiler. To be published on February 19, 2013. Reprinted by permission of William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers.

Guests:

  • Bruce Feiler, author of “The Secrets of Happy Families.” 
  • Linda Rottenberg, CEO and co-founder of the nonprofit Endeavor.

Please follow our community rules when engaging in comment discussion on this site.
  • Smitys

    Great!  Reducing my family life to a corporate structure.  Just what I need. 

  • M.

    On reading about dealing with conflict, I read that avoiding a rectangular/square table that has a defined “head of the table/power position” and sitting at a round table, where positions are percieved as equal, influences positively the attitudes towards dealing with the conflict for all involved.  However, I believe that in a parent/child relationship authority (not tyranny) positions must be defined and can actually give assurance to children.

  • Amy Lew

    Great ideas but not new. It would be nice to direct folks to how they can do these things rather than suggest that it is something new or that all previous parenting coaches gave useless information. Rudolph Dreikurs presented these idea in the 1960′s and families have been having successful meeting and using many of the ideas suggested by the authors for decades.

    How to have a Family Meeting, including developing a family goal (mission statement), reevaluating decisions weekly, including kids in developing consequences and solutions, alternating leadership, developing courage including learning from mistakes and much more is described with lots of examples in  Raising Kids Who
    Can: Become Responsible, Self-Reliant, Resilient, Contributing
    Adults and How to Use Family Meetings to Make it Happen.by Amy Lew and Betty Lou Bettner.

  • olderworker

    This all sounds good, but I am a bit leery of things that trickle down from business culture. (I have an MBA, so had to learn a bunch of this stuff in school)

    • olderworker

      And, in addition, the family in which I grew up was so nuts (lots of alcoholism and physical and other abuse), I can’t imagine this in my own home. Or, more realistically, I can imagine my parents following these prescriptions and still being alcoholic and abusive, thus obviating the benefits! 

      • Robin Y

        So funny, I had these two exact thoughts and just ran out of time,
        we’re asking Bruce to respond! 

        Stay tuned…

        Robin 

  • Hawad

    get rid of the dishwasher and use the time washing and drying dishes for  conversations.

  • Theodore Hoppe

    Feller has a TED Talk with the same message that was added today. 
    http://www.ted.com/talks/bruce_feiler_agile_programming_for_your_family.html

    It seems fairly obvious that spending time together and increasing communication can improve the family dynamic. At the beginning of this talk we are told that 8 in 10 believe that the family they have today is stronger or as strong as the family they grow up with. If this is true why is there a need for this message?

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_DPKS3HUGQBPILPIU7IVZSHGXLI Robert_N

      I guess it’s called marketing ;-)  As much as some authors try to distance themselves from the crowded self-help industry, they are still trying to capitalize on guru-ism.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_DPKS3HUGQBPILPIU7IVZSHGXLI Robert_N

    Doesn’t the failure to have lunch for four days suggest there needs to be some sort of ‘trust but verify’ system, that ensures that important daily activities aren’t neglected? I have to wonder how many busy parents would slip into using this system as a way of conveniently shifting responsibility to young kids who haven’t exactly honed the art yet. Sort of up there with using the TV as a virtual baby sitter.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=553308524 Jo-Dee Collins

    I find this somewhat disturbing… I didn’t hear the entire show, but by looking at the picture it looks like these two are fairly early on in their family… It would be interesting to hear a “where are they now” report on this family in 10 years. Every family is different in what makes them happy.. but what remains the same for all humanity is Love should be unconditional, respect should be given to all people, including children. and compassion and empathy are taught behavior. But how a family communicates may work one way for one family and not so great for another.. but maybe I should write a book… married 20 years.. two great kids.. 18 and 15 both are respectful, do their chores without fuss, we eat dinner together every night and talk openly about sex, school, drugs and they see their parents fight every once in awhile but always respectfully.. go to church every Sunday and even took my 18 year old son to The Justice Conference.. Just trying to point out their is more than one way to have a happy family

  • Samuel Green

    Meh, I don’t like the idea of little kids thinking up ways of raising themselves, isn’t that the parent’s job? Obviously these kids have a predisposition for being fascinated by  the studying and applying of systems to themselves seeing as BOTH of their parents are that way too. 

    I think this is a plecebo effect. All the people in their family get a kick of this self help type stuff and that is why this is what works for them.

  • Bruce Feiler

    Hi Everyone. Thanks to HERE & NOW for a great visit. A general comment about this thread: I wrote about happy families not because I had one but because I wanted one, and I went out to visit many families, scholars, and experts in non-traditional worlds.  I wanted to know what they were taking from their lives into their homes. Many of the freshest ideas I encountered had their origins outside the home but had been adapted to fit the home.  Some worked for us, some didn’t, but the big lesson we learned was to be adaptable, use cutting-edge techniques to tell and retell our family history, and take advantage of what social networkers have learned from the age of online gaming.  Mainly, we wanted to get unstuck as parents.  So far, it’s a struggle every day, but it’s working!  

Robin and Jeremy

Robin Young and Jeremy Hobson host Here & Now, a live two-hour production of NPR and WBUR Boston.

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