What Parents Should Know About Kids And Sexuality

A J.Crew ad showing a boy wearing pink nail polish sparked controversy last year. (J.Crew)

There was a time when being gay meant being closeted. There are still people who are, but today there are gay parades, gay talk show hosts, and gay men and women who serve in the military.

And parents are changing how they respond to sons and daughters who come out of the closet, and younger children who exhibit behaviors atypical for their gender– like boys playing with dolls or cross dressing.

In the past, parents may have ignored or denied such behavior, but now some are embracing it in an effort to show acceptance.

Author Jesse Bering wrote an article in Scientific American Mind titled, “Is Your Child Gay,” and he offers some parenting advice:

Advice For Parents

1.) Don’t Rush The Child: Bering says that when a child behaves in a way typical of the opposite gender, sometimes parents overcompensate to show acceptance. “But we don’t want to be premature in rushing the child to make some statement about their own sexual identity,” Bering said.

2.) Discuss Situation As Child Gets Older: “It needs to be something that is discussed within the family openly and objectively in a way that makes it very clear to the child that there is no prejudice or discrimination, that there is love for them no matter what their sexual orientation,” Bering said.

3.) Be Aware Of Parental Biases: If parents are upset by the possibility that their child may be gay, Bering says that parents should try to figure out why, possibly through therapy.

4.) Make Clear Parents Aren’t Bigoted Against Gays: Bering says parents should be clear that they are open to gays, and do not have any biases against homosexuality. “Even if that’s clear to the parent, it’s not necessarily clear to the child,” he said.

Additional Reading

Scientific American Mind: Is Your Child Gay
New York Times: What’s So Bad About A Boy Wearing A Dress?
New York Times: Boys Will Be Boys? Not In These Families
Today Show: J. Crew Ad Controversy Over Pink Nail Polish
Sexual Orientation and Childhood Gender Nonconformity: Evidence from Home Videos
A follow-up Study of Girls with Gender Identity Disorder
Gay Straight And The Reason Why, By Simon LeVay

Guest:

Jesse Bering, psychologist and author

We welcome comments from all of our listeners. Post below. Please stay on topic and be civil. Comments may be moderated by us, but you are solely responsible for the content of your comments.

Melanie

Would like to suggest a family be welcoming of adults and families into their social milieu who come from diverse backgrounds so the child sees parents modeling tolerance and acceptance of all peoples.
msme

my straight son had a barbie cake when he was 3,4 and 5.
- Orange Fish12
  
  oh well, i deliberately ordered a pink, flowery cake for my (straight) bro when he turned 17… he didn’t mind. the colour and design of the cake didn’t matter to him as long as it tasted good:)
Guest

I have a four year old autistic boy who adamantly calls himself a girl and strongly rejects that he is a boy. We do not discourage him or encourage him. But we have struggled with preschool staff and therapist who would attempt to correct him when he says he is a girl. He goes to his friends at school and tells them that he is a girl just like them. He is very much aware of the gender stereotypes and prefer the girly things. We think he might be gay and that his autism is allowing him not to cover any feelings that he has at this age regarding his gender identity. In other words because of his autism, he doesn’t know that he is not suppose to tell his mates that he feels like a girl and not like a boy.
silverimagelimited

“When I was a little boy I was often confused. My folks said it was natural to like girls, like I do, and they loved me even though I wasn’t homosexual.” The absurdity of the above statement is the nullification of this argument in a nutshell. Steering a child is WRONG, and in the end, as we all discover eventually, entirely futile.
Chefchoc

A child is a child. Love them and the future will be just fine.
Gin411

I’m a bisexual woman, and I don’t know what the big deal is. As a responsible parent, you should be raising your child aware that sometimes boys like boys, and girls like girls anyway. You shouldn’t project sexuality onto your child before they are ready to deal with it. When they reach the right age, they will be attracted to whomever they are attracted to, and just let them know that no matter who that is, it is ok. It’s also okay to not be attracted to anyone.
- Guest
  
  The society already projects sexuality on your child and the big deal is when your child goes to school and his teachers tell him that he is a boy and not a girl as he states, then you want to be prepared to protect your child and be prepared what might be ahead of you.
Vacrowe

We are never so idiotic as when we try to put everyone in a box. From Wikipedia: “An article in the trade publication Earnshaw’s Infants’ Department
in June 1918 said: “The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys,
and blue for the girls. The reason is that pink, being a more decided
and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is
more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl.”
AF_Whigs

My son is now 9. When he was in preschool and kindergarten his favorite color was pink. So what? To some parents around us it was a big deal, but then we forget that silly things like what colors we like are not genetically determined.

All we can do is be supportive and stay out of the way while they figure it out for themselves – when they get older.
Connjohn

What should parent’s do about kids and sexuality — shield them from the sex-obsessed media! Let them develop as they wish and try to associate with those that are not duped by an over-stereotyped society. Step back and observe what we do from the moment of birth – color-code, name-code, activity-code — everything based on gender. I tried to be generic in all I did with my children, but society’s mores are insurmountable. Let your home be a place of refuge.
- RonC
  
  Well stated!
Jackiero

Gender is not determined by social factors; it’s determined by chromosomes. Chaz Bono may have new parts, but he will always genetically be a she. Sexuality, however, can and is shaped by experienced as well as genetics. There is no doubt in my mind that homosexuality is visible in children. My cousin Timmy always wanted to be the bride while playing, and he didn’t come out as gay until his 50s–after a tumultuous marriage to a woman he didn’t love and three confused teenaged children later. And he came out in a BIG way, but no one was shocked. But let’s not put too much stock in home movies because I was forced, by default, to be the boy when we would play dress-up because of my domineering princess cousin. You’d assume I’m gay just from looking at the videos. I’m hetero and she’s bi, although she’s married.
- Allahoo82
  
  You’re confusing sex and gender. Sex is determined by chromosomes; gender is a social construct. Therefore a person’s sex may be male while her gender is female.
Blake H.

There are no links between gender behavior and sexuality; that is something we as a society project on the situation. Saying a male might be “homosexual” because he “plays with dolls or cross dresses” says little about the child and so much more about our disdain for the feminine. And while we can all agree that gender is a social construct, we will be a lot better off when we can also put sexuality in the “social construct” category.
- Anonymous
  
  There are actually correlations between gender atypical behavior in childhood and sexual orientation in adulthood. They’re not perfect correlations, of course, but the research indicates that boys who display strong, consistent preferences for gender atypical behavior are significantly more likely to grow up to be gay men in comparison to boys with gender-typical interests.
Dr. Graciela Slesaransky-Poe

What Dr. Edgardo Menvielle from Children’s National Medical Center said is correct: That being gender variant as a young child is it not a predictor of being a gender variant adult. That is different to say that many children, especially boys, who are gender variant or gender nonconforming (gender identity and expression) end up being gay (sexual orientation). Gender identity/ expression and sexual orientation are two different constructs.
RonC

I am a 47yo gay man who came out late in life. I always knew I was gay and liked men more. However, I would have NEVER been comfortable discussing my sexual orientation as a child.
No child wants to discuss sex no matter what orientation they prefer.
C in KC

I am a parent navigating the “spring awakening” of three boys. Two of them we thought for sure from a young age were tending toward homosexuality, but at sixteen seem to be managing girl relationships; one has a girlfriend. Obviously at this age, they are just learning the ropes, so the jury is still out!
Our youngest (14 YO) though, who early on showed the most “boyish” tendencies seems to be captivated by homosexual feelings. It is not outwardly obvious in his behavior (though he will occasionally almost cuddle with other boys while watching movies), but we have come across a few notes and texts that tell a different story. He has been very open with some friends about his feelings.
My concern is that he might be trying to put himself too much into a box at this early age. I don’t care whether they are gay, bi, hetero, or not interested, I love these guys to death. But I sure don’t want them starting their teenage years out by closing doors around them by painting themselves into a “type.” It seems that at 14 he wants to put a label on his being before he has even had a chance to see the world.
They are all very active in musical theater, so they are widely exposed to the public behaviors of people of all sexual orientations. Their peers are all great kids, so we really don’t have worries about how they will be treated in any case. I just want them to break into their sexual lives with a healthy open-minded outlook.
And…of course…talking about these things with them just about doesn’t happen. We’ve tried all sorts of tricks to maybe extract some inner feelings. No luck! So we just love’m and hope that they grow with confidence in whatever they do.
Alex Fine

The presentation was commendable in the discussion and as i read several of the comments submitted, it is clear that the subject of “gay sexuality” as it takes shapes and is expressed in young children, is no different in its biological nature as “straight sexuality”. The problem is when adults place constriction of that expression and “label” it as deviant, undesirable, and not normal.
Human sexuality, if taken as a biological genetic conscript, is as basic as other genetic designs within the human being- such as taste in food, colors,, athletic ability, intelligence, etc… The good of mankind is created from the good in humans, just as the bad of mankind is created by the bad in humans. It seems to me that what serves mankind best is developing humans that are good regardless of their genetic differences. Whom ones loves and how one expresses that love is good for those involved and will invariably make for happier people who treat others with the same happiness. Children grow up happier and more balanced and more good is offered to the world.�
I reference the book “BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR” BY RANDOLPH CHRISTOPHER LONGSTREET, on the Simon and Schuster website: Authonomy.com.
http://twitter.com/fiftyseven58mph fiftyseven58mph

homo sexuality. until the sex occurs, how can anyone claim anything????
http://twitter.com/kristalswan Krista Swan

I have 2 pieces of advice to add to this list: 1. Stop trying to figure it out, 2. Watch your language. http://mostlymommyhood.com/2012/10/14/stop-trying-to-figure-it-out/